Weak Recap: Metalheads Anonymous
Hello and welcome to your daily MA meeting here at Dose of Metal. We are here to guide you, through group therapy sessions, from music for posers to music for true metalheads. Metalheads Anonymous is the only way to turn you into a headbanging, beer-drinking metal elitist.
The first item on the MA agenda is the weekly Weak Recap. If you want to look forward to become a metalhead, you have to look in the past how the metalhead elite has done it. And let's face it, there is no better place to learn of metal than at Dose of Metal.
So let's get it started, shall we? Go ahead and make the jump.
Weak Recap: Pop a recap in yo ass, fool
Yo yo. From the slums of Shaolin, Dose of Metal strikes again!
We from the streets, yo. Break yo'self!
This Sunday, takin' on the events of last week, straight from the ghetto -- word up.
Sorry guys, just really tired and uninspired, so I went with a 'street' approach, just to relate to hip-hop fans who might be magically lost here. Make the jump and see what happened this week.
Weak Recap: Just the two of us
We haven't done a recap the last two weekends, mainly because we're lazy as shit. But this Sunday we're back, with a vengeance! Unfortunately it's just Mark and I, so we're gonna make this pretty lame.
A lot has happened in the past week. We've had some contests, begged people to write for us, even got one to actually write for us, that sort of thing.
This is me interviewing Mark, just Mark, no one else but Mark. I'll stop now, before I start sounding like a Will Smith song.
Make the jump and witness the Gods of metal blogging talking to each other.
Weak Recap: Overdose impossible
It's not possible to overdose on metal. That is a fact but it's a class a drug which turns you into a junkie quite fast. You started with weak drugs like alcohol, cannabis or Slipknot but after a while you can only get high on cocaine, Cannibal Corpse, the heavy shit.
And we here at Dose of Metal are your dealers. We don't even charge you for your daily dose of metal. We love this drug so much that we're giving it away for fucking free. It's impossible to overdose, so you might as well get high all day, everyday.
We have been dealing out metal for a full year now and we won't stop until the whole world is addicted because, let's face it, there is nothing better. For a little taste of our product, make the jump where I talk my fellow dealers about the past week and our greatest deals.
Weak Recap: We be recappin’
Last week, poor Simo had to do the weak recap all by himself, which is very reminiscent of his sex life (or mine).
But don't worry, this week Alex comes to the rescue and interviews him. Are we gonna gay it up? Yes we are.
Make the jump and see just what happened last week, and how badly did we cover it with our shitty writing?
By the way, that's a photo of my girlfriend above. I know she's not a looker, but she has an awesome personality.
Weak Recap: Solo style
Hey, it's another Sunday, and you know what that means, time for your favorite weekly interview. The one we do with each other.
Except, you're not getting one.
Apparently, other people at Dose of Metal obviously have this thing called "life" and they're too busy with their "girlfriends." You know where that leaves me? Same place I was last week -- alone in the room, wishing I had enough money to buy myself a plastic one.
I'm just kidding, blow up dolls are for pussies, real men pleasure themselves. And by that, I don't mean I can reach my penis with my mouth. I just make the best use of my hands. Speaking of my hands and wonderful results, make the jump to read my solo recap.
Weak Recap: We be winning, playa
It's no secret that we're amazing, and we're pretty modest about it, too. I mean, the rest of the guys who write for this site aren't really that awesome, but compared to your boring ass, they're Gods. I, on the other hand, am absolutely sublime. I truly believe a few decades from now people will be quoting my posts and giving them as examples of literary genius.
So why would I, of all people, interview the other writers for this site? Isn't it a bit like Mozart interviewing Linkin Park? Yes it is, but unlike Mozart, I am pretty humble. And good looking.
Anyway, make the jump and read my interview with some of metal's worst writers... Ever.
Weak Recap: Weak Aside
When you're writing for a metal blog, you're more informed about what's up in the metal world than the average Joe. You've got to, to keep your blog up-to-date. That has its ups and downs. On the one hand, you get to know more about your favorite musicians -- and sometimes even insider knowledge, through friends you've made within the business. On the other hand, you sometimes get to know stuff that you didn't even want to know -- and you have to keep up with bands that you actually don't give a damn about or even dislike.
Every once in a while, something really positive happens to you. One of those bands, you're bound to cover because of their standing in the rock/metal world, a band that you can't stand at all, gives up and calls it quits. It's a downside being turned into an upside, because now you don't mind writing about that particular band anymore. They split-up, time to celebrate that.
In case you don't know just what the hell I am talking about: Disturbed aren't disturbing us anymore and I would like to dedicate the above song to Draiman and his puppies.
That's just something I had to get off my chest and I would also like to take this opportunity to make "breaking-up" a topic for this week's Weak Recap. Make the jump to see us celebrating the death of a horrible band. Disturbed are dead, long live Dose of Metal.
Weak Recap: Simo’s back!
You guys remember Simo, right? He took a two-month break from the interwebz, to see if this 'real life' thing is as good as people say it is. Once he realized talking to a girl in real life is not as easy as on Facebook, he came back. With a vengeance.
Okay, so maybe not with a vengeance, but he came back. And now I get to interview him, which is not an honor and a privilege.
We'll talk about a lot of things, a lot of boring things, so I'm not gonna lie to you... It will be a pretty boring article, so don't bother reading this further. It will only make you waste a lot of valuable time.
But if you've got nothing better to do, make the jump and read what two people who rarely get laid (and when they do, it ends in tears) have to say about this past week's articles.
Enjoy! (you won't, trust me, but I like being optimistic)
Weak Recap: Alex Dominates II
We're back again, with another edition of our not-weak-at-all week recap - The Weak Recap (see what I did there?).
This week's article is a sequel of sorts. Think big Hollywood blockbusters, well actually, to be honest. we're more 'S.Darko' than 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2' (although Harry Potter is gay anyways), or more 'Dumb and Dumberer' than 'The Two Towers.' So actually, it's like one of those shitty straight to DVD sequels, but hey, shit sells and you're still buying, right?
Why is this a sequel? Well, it seems Alex has been, more or less, dominating again because I'm too fucking lazy, and Guido probably has a life outside of the internet, or something.
Without further ado, I present to you this week's Weak Recap. Now make the fucking jump, before I push you.
Weak Recap: We’re with stupid
Aren't we all a bit stupid at times? You just do something and then get your stupid on. It just happens. And I can't blame you, for I write for a stupid blog myself with my fellow stupid writers.
Some bassists people do really stupid stuff though. Stuff that is so immensely stupid that you can't do anything but shake your head and start pointing fingers. Two of those stories are topic to this week's edition of Weak Recap.
But don't take my word for it. Make the jump to read Dose of Metal's recapitulation of the past week. Someone's got to do it and point fingers.
Weak Recap: Alex domination
So this week's been all about me. This is why I posted a photo of my girlfriend above. What, you don't believe she's my girlfriend? Fuck you, I don't have to prove anything to you. It's fine if you don't believe me, really. But she is my girlfriend and just so you know, the tits are real... And they're spectacular.
Anyway, why was the week all about me? Because the other fucking writers simply found real lives and couldn't write much, leaving the only dork in DoM in charge of everything. Good thing my girlfriend above kept me company. I swear to fucking God she did, stop calling me a liar!
Right, so this article is all about me interviewing Guido and Mark about this week's metal news, about how to have a real life outside the interwebz, and just why did they leave me all alone?
Keep reading to find out what these assholes have answered.
Weak Recap: Taking it to another level
In last week's edition of the Weak Recap, we decided to change things up a little. So Alex decided to wear a different hat, Guido changed his name to Bill, and I spent the entire interview hopping up and down on a pogo stick. For anyone who was lucky enough to witness it, they experienced one of the greatest feelings you can possibly feel, next to sex.
No, what really went down is we had the genius idea of doing what we already do (one of us interviews one of the other members of the team regarding the past week's news) and instead added an extra person to the mix. It was like one huge orgy and a good time was had by all.
So how are we going to step things up this week? Well we're taking it to a whole new level, I'm talking about the next level. No, ok, we're just going to do the same thing, but it'll be awesome, I promise.
Make the jump for this week's Weak Recap, with myself (Mark) interviewing both Guido and Alex.
Weak Recap: Threesome!
I don't know much about bikes but apparently the bike above is called Threesome. Surely, you can imagine that this wasn't what I had in mind when I went to look for a picture of a threesome.
But all that aside, it's time for this week's Weak Recap. What's the deal with the threesome? Well, we decided to change the format a bit, with me asking the questions and Mark and Alex answering them.
We're not homosexual. At least I'm not. I'm not sure about Mark and Alex, nor do I care really. It's up to them what they want to do behind closed doors.
But you don't give a shit either way, do you? Same here. So, just make the jump for a non-homosexual three-way interview about recent happenings in the world of Heavy-fucking-Metal.
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