16
Oct

Weak Recap: Metalheads Anonymous

Hello and welcome to your daily MA meeting here at Dose of Metal. We are here to guide you, through group therapy sessions, from music for posers to music for true metalheads. Metalheads Anonymous is the only way to turn you into a headbanging, beer-drinking metal elitist.

The first item on the MA agenda is the weekly Weak Recap. If you want to look forward to become a metalhead, you have to look in the past how the metalhead elite has done it. And let’s face it, there is no better place to learn of metal than at Dose of Metal.

So let’s get it started, shall we? Go ahead and make the jump.

What the hell?

Guido: Hello, my name is Guido and I’m a metalhead.
Simo: Hello, my name is Simo and I have metal in my head.
Alex: Hello, my name is Alex and I have head made of metal.

Guido: Our fourth and last giveaway comes to an end. The contest to win a Death Grip shirt ends tomorrow. Don’t you think we’ve been a bit too nice to our readers recently?
Simo: Yeah, definitely, none of them even wrote to say thanks. Speaking seriously for a second, I have to apologize to the first prize winner (the guy who got the pencil) for being late about mailing it, I had to pick it up myself from another town, then figure out a safe way to package it so it wouldn’t break when shipped. Not that I think he’s reading this anyway. Asshole.
Alex: We’re definitely way too nice, metalheads are supposed to be assholes. Hey Guido… FUCK YOU!

Guido: Last Monday I got to interview Anders Colsefni, former singer of Slipknot. He came across as an extremely nice guy, don’t you agree?
Simo: Too nice for my taste. I like my metal singers as I like my women: always late, screaming in high pitched voice and fighting with random people. Axl <3
Alex: Yeah, he seems like a pretty nice guy. I like him.

Guido: Cosmin returned to rant about Dave Mustaine. Does anyone doubt that the new Megadeth album is going to be way better than Lulu?
Simo: I… am the table.
Alex: It’s pretty hard not to be better than Lulu. I’ve heard people trying to piss out kidney stones who sounded better than the previews of Lulu.

Guido: Harry Keogh from the horror book series Necroscope is now writing for us. What did you think of his post about his iPod?
Simo: Very nice. I listen to my music on vinyl only, though. It’s the hipster way™. It’s also a great extra workout to carry a portable one around when you’re jogging.
Alex: Loved the article, I can’t really relate though: I don’t jog, work out, do anything that requires a portable music player, really.

Guido: Kiss Komics. Really? What are they doing in the comics? Battling Joker?
Simo: Or robbing banks with him!
Alex: Or suing Joker for copyright infringement on his makeup

Guido: I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t watch the Youtube clip of Nightwish’s mainman talking about their new album. I’ve just seen the still of the video and I honestly have to question the title mainman. Are all members of Nightwish actually female or are they men in drag?
Simo: I think they’re all men in drag. Speaking of drag, I met this chick once…
Alex: …Who later opened up ‘her’ own metal site. Little did you know ‘she’ was about to interview a few years later.

Guido: It shouldn’t be discussed at a Metalhead Anonymous meeting but Korn released a new song and boy does it suck. Not a surprise, is it?
Simo: No. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!1!11
Alex Korn were always quite awful, but now with dubstep, they’re out of this world… But kudos to them for taking something shit and making it even shittier. It takes some sort of weird talent to be able to sink lower than rock bottom, I kinda respect that.

Guido: This Friday, Alex wrote a Top 10 about the worst band transformations. Are bands transformers?
Simo: Hey, I wrote that one! How could you confuse me with Alex? THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!!1!1
Alex: I think I know what he means, technically everything ever written was written by me. It’s how being God works.

Guido: That’s all we have for this week. Was it weak?
Simo: I’d give it a 2/5, three points deducted because it hard a lot of Korn and Disturbed in a single week.
Alex: Yeah, pretty bad week on a pretty weak site. We sux0rz teh c0x0rz

Guido: Now go out and enjoy the sun on your naked body!
Simo: Hey it’s past sun-time, but during my goth days I’d do moon-baths during summer anyway. You get proper pale from that shit. Anyway, see ya later, bitches!
Alex: It’s getting quite cold where I live… Winter is coming, dammit. It’s gonna be extra hard masturbating in public these upcoming months.


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