Weak Recap: We be winning, playa

It’s no secret that we’re amazing, and we’re pretty modest about it, too. I mean, the rest of the guys who write for this site aren’t really that awesome, but compared to your boring ass, they’re Gods. I, on the other hand, am absolutely sublime. I truly believe a few decades from now people will be quoting my posts and giving them as examples of literary genius.

So why would I, of all people, interview the other writers for this site? Isn’t it a bit like Mozart interviewing Linkin Park? Yes it is, but unlike Mozart, I am pretty humble. And good looking.

Anyway, make the jump and read my interview with some of metal’s worst writers… Ever.


Alex: Hi fellas, how goes?
Guido: Meh.
Mark: So so. I’m very happy and very shit at the same time. I’m probably bipolar. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
Simo: I’m good, unlike Johnny Depp and Tim Burton. Lighten up, guys.

Alex: If you could describe me in one word (except: awesome and amazing), what would that word be?
Guido: Egotistical.
Mark: Is self-indulgent one word or two?
Simo: Dick. I’d add huge before it, but then it would be two words and you’d take it as a compliment.

Alex: Enough about me and how great I am. Let’s get to this week’s shit… A lot of Metallica in it, like always… Why is there so much Metallica news?
Guido: I don’t know but I know quite a few bands who deserve equally as much, if not more, attention.
Mark: I’m not sure. The real Metal bands are out there cutting themselves, torturing chicks on crucifixes, burning Bibles and performing covered in pigs’ blood. For some reason though, they’re not getting as much attention.
Simo: Because they’re the most popular “metal” band, ever?

Alex: Seems like a lot of bands love them lately. First Diamond Head, then Machine Head… Even Ginger Head had some positive thoughts on them. Any comments?
Guido: Not really, no.
Mark: Yes… Actually, I lie. I don’t care. I enjoy head though (receiving, not giving).
Simo: Well I guess talking about the most talked about metal band gives you free press. Yes, I’ve read your questions first and my answer is obviously “borrowed” from your next one.

Alex: Dave even revealed his favorite Metallica track, as if anyone really cares… Isn’t it funny how he always talks a lot about Metallica when he has an album due?
Guido: In this case it’s not really fair to call him out on that. In the past, I definitely agree that he threw Metallica’s name around just for publicity but currently I actually believe that he’s just happy to be friends with them again. He has been talking about ‘Tallica in the press for quite a few months now, not just recently.
Mark: Is he still talking about Metallica? Jesus. Dave should talk about them less too, but this time I have to agree with Guido.
Simo: Yeah, I agree with Guido as well. Generally badmouthing gives you more press, so I don’t think he’s doing it (just) because of that.

Alex: Simo’s Sol Invicto post got a response from someone from the band. Isn’t it refreshing for some musicians to have a sense of humor and ‘get’ what our site is all about?
Guido: It is refreshing and was nice to see.
Mark: It is very refreshing. It always makes me laugh when we get negative responses to our site. I mean, if you want to criticize  our writing, sure, go ahead. I can barely even read, unless we’re talking about picture books or Playboy, so that’s fair enough. It’s the negative reactions and misunderstanding of our humor that always gets me. Richie comes across as a very down to earth guy, it was nice of him to get in contact.
Simo: It was really nice. Not sure if we’d have gotten the same response in case Stephen saw the article.

Alex: Rumors of a Black Sabbath reunion were making the rounds online, but then Iommi himself said they weren’t true. Are you bummed?
Guido: Not really. I don’t want to hear anything new involving Ozzy Osbourne. I’m just sick of the guy.
Mark: I’m fairly sure Sharon wouldn’t authorize Ozzy to take part in Black Sabbath, unless her cut was big enough. I don’t really care though, because Ozzy sounds like a 60-year-old prostitute choking on cum these days (only with the auto-tune and chorus effect whacked on harder than an erect cock).
Simo: I’m kind of disappointed we never got to hear a new Black Sabbath album, but it’s definitely way too late for that now. So, no, can’t say I’m really bummed about it.

Alex: Speaking of bummed, Kiss won’t perform at Michael Jackson’s tribute concert because of Gene’s comments about MJ’s raging pedophilia. Is that funny or what? (Gene getting owned, not pedophilia itself)
Guido: For once I agree with Gene.
Mark: Gene is a prick. I don’t say that because I disagree with him necessarily… It’s the fact he says all those things about MJ, and then when he gets offered some cash to perform at a MJ tribute concert he’s there quicker than you can say ‘Rock And Roll All Night’ or whatever that shitty song is called. Besides, I’d say Kiss’ music is probably a worse crime than anything Michael Jackson was never proved of doing (can I get away with saying that?).
Simo: I never knew what was worse, Michael’s craziness or those kids’ sub-soap opera-level acting skills, so I never really formed my opinion about the whole thing, therefore I can’t really say if Gene was right or not. I am glad he got owned, though.

Alex: This week’s Tuesday Trivia was about scene kids, dubstep, djent, pretty much everything that’s wrong with people these days. Am I the only one who wants to punch hipsters in the face?
Guido: I care about hipsters about as much as I care about Hip Hop fans, which equals zero.
Mark: I’m still not entirely sure what a ‘hipster’ is, if I’m honest. But a bit of violence never hurt anyone, so why not?
Simo: To break it down for Mark, it’s a fashion style combined with musical and general cultural pseudo-elitism, that much I have learned from all the work I do for Tuesday Trivia. You guys owe me a big one. I do find them fascinating, in the observational sense. It’s like someone gave a bunch of monkeys Ray Ban glasses and Radiohead records, and they learned to talk shit. Anyway, related to the definition, I want to burn the thrift and record stores they buy their vintage clothes and indie records from.

Alex: Chris posted an interview with Cauldron’s Jason Decay. That’s quite the surname for a musician, isn’t it?
Guido: And perfectly describes his ability to sing.
Mark: I wish my surname was as cool as that.
Simo: His name is awesome, music is not my style, though.

Alex: Guido keeps writing reviews, this week it was Rising Pain’s War Of Souls. Does anyone actually read them? I skip everything he writes because he annoys me.
Guido: I read them.
Mark: I read them, because sometimes they introduce me to some awesome new bands. This time I actually haven’t read it yet though. Sorry Guido 🙁
Simo: I read them, but listen only when I’m really in the mood.

Alex: Friday’s Top 10 featured my favorite topic: Stage incidents. #2 was Josh Homme’s story about a midget being thrown on stage. Do you buy it? I don’t.
Guido: You can buy midgets? Where?
Mark: I remember reading this story a while back in some magazine. I didn’t believe it then and don’t believe it now. However, I’d rather watch an hour of midgets being thrown onto stages than an hour of Josh Homme being a prick and playing his shitty brand of ‘retro rock’.
Simo: Well, I doubt someone launched the little guy from the back of the crowd or something, if it was a smaller stage he could have found the way up there more easily, something like a rocky crowd surf. So I say it’s believable enough.

Alex: It was Dime’s birthday yesterday, and I made a pretty long and self-indulgent joke about it. Am I lame or what?
Guido: Yes, you are. Dime > God.
Mark: I wouldn’t call you lame… Let’s just call it awesomely-challenged.
Simo: I laughed.

Alex: And finally, Guido interviewed Allen West. Pretty short answers, right? I mean, it looks as if the guy was trying to get rid of us as soon as possible. Do we e-bully him or do we let it go?
Guido: I say we let it go because he’s a really nice guy and a Death Metal legend.
Mark: No.
Simo: I haven’t read it yet, but if it’s short I might take a small break before I go over to the last question.

Alex: That’s it for this week. Stay tuned for next week when we’ll write even worse stuff than we wrote thus far. Any last words, guys?
Guido: Speak for yourself.
Mark: No.
Simo: I just read the interview. It wasn’t that bad, he’s no Kirk Weindstein.

© Copyright 2010-2024 Dose of Metal. All rights reserved. | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use