Weak Recap: The Big Fourth


Welcome to yet another Weak Recap. Last week, Mark did me, so this week I’ll be returning the favor. We’re also taking turns interviewing each other. As usual, we’re looking back at the week’s most important headlines. Why? Because repetition is the mother of all learning. And it’s also a pretty easy way to make another post without being original at all.

Make the jump to get reminded of how awesome we were throughout the week.

Freddie Mercury was a jolly guy

Borat will be playing this guy. Main image worked. Win.

Simo: Jagshemash Mark. How are you? Did you have a fun week?
Mark: I’ve got to be honest…. This week hasn’t been the best, but it could be worse, I could be writing for Dose of Rap right now *shudder*

S: It’s finally your turn to be interviewed, by none other than me. I’m super excited, how about you?
M: It’s going to be great man, I don’t think I’ve ever been interviewed before, so I’m sure it’s going to be a blast! It’s a pleasure sir.

S: The week started off pretty good, Alex got to interview Andy McKee (whom he previously covered in the Top 10 ugliest guitars). What did you think of the guy?
M: Andy comes across as a really down to earth, friendly guy. I thought the interview was great and it’s awesome having his approval of the site. Some of his fans were a bit pissed about that Top 10 Ugliest Guitars article, but he took it really well.

S: Are you any good at air-guitar? If so, would you consider becoming a pro?
M: Nah, I’m shit. I’ve never been able to air guitar, it’s far too technical for me. Air-spoons though? Now that I can do.

S: The boys are back in town – Evanescence are making a return, with an electronic twist this time around. Could this be this year’s A Thousand Suns?
M: To be honest, this news had me contemplating suicide, but then I remembered I wouldn’t be able to masturbate or listen to Amon Amarth any more if I went down that path, so I decided against it. I’ll just invest in some earplugs instead for when the time comes. If it ends up being as bad as A Thousand Suns, it might bring with it the end of the world.

S: Amy Lee is pretty good at moaning though. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
M: I sure am… You’re thinking we should tape her mouth up right?

S: An image of a fat Amy Lee popped in my head actually. Aren’t fat chicks the best chicks?
M: Indeed they are. Fat chicks are great at sex, they put much more effort into it, because they know they have to. Skinny chicks are lazy.

S: Ozzy Osbourne finally did something sane, he’s making his funeral plans. What did you think about them? How would you want your funeral to be?
M: I think they’re great, he’s definitely got the right idea. Alex is right that death is incredibly hard to cope with, and a phony “proper” funeral can only make things harder. I’d want Tina Turner’s ‘Simply The Best’ played at my funeral.

S: A lot of new songs and previews posted this week (Pain, Volbeat, Shining, 3 Inches of Blood). Did you give a shit about any of them?
M: Honestly? No, not one single one of them.

S: I wrote about Napalm Death for this week’s Tuesday Trivia (again). What do you think about the band? Would you play their music to your children?
M: I think Napalm Death are awesome! They’re one of, if not the first really heavy band I got into. They’re really down to earth guys too, they don’t need any gimmicks, they just play music. Grindcore isn’t my favorite genre  ever, so I’m more into their newer stuff. As for my children, of course I’ll play them Napalm Death, but in order to have children I’d have to actually have sex first.

S: Speaking of children, Alex has been pretty critical of them with his mini column. Do you think they appreciate the constructive comments? What’s your message to the little ones reading this website?
M: I don’t really care what they think. Kids are cocky little shits these days, so I’m all for knocking them down a peg or two whenever the opportunity arises. As for my advice to any reading: Grow some balls, practice practice practice, listen to a wide range or Metal and Rock, and one day you may just be as awesome as me.

S: The reformed Six Chimairas Under (there’s simply no way to make that joke work) had their first live shows. Guido was at one of them. Do you wish you could’ve joined him? What are your thoughts on the band?
M: Hell yeah I wish I could have joined him! We could have licked vodka off strippers’ chests after the gig and drank beer. As for the band, they’re ok, but I haven’t checked out that much of their stuff. Guido’s going to fire me isn’t he?

S: I had an absolutely amazing interview with Kirk Weindstein this week. I just can’t believe how awesome it was. His answers blew my mind completely. Tell me how you felt about it in one word.
M: No…. But seriously, it was so unbelievable amazing, I don’t think there’s a single word in the English language that can sum up how great the interview was. Perhaps we should make one up? How about Cokinpuss? Clackintrap? Shitnogbref?

S: Now a couple of downers: Manowar’s former drummer passed away, Chimaira’s keyboard player left them, and Five Finger Death Punch also lost a member. Could you cheer me up somehow? What works best for you when you’re not feeling that great?
M: Oh come now, Five Finger Death Punch losing a member is great news. Perhaps now they’ll call it a day and I’ll never have to be subjected to their shitty music ever again. Are you telling me that doesn’t cheer you up? But being serious, I find a combination of food, beer, porn and great music cheers me up when I’m down.

S: Last time you asked me how I feel about Guido’s Big Four times four articles, but I proved not to be fun when I answered it. What is your personal Big Four?
M: Oh snap, you got me! I don’t really listen to Thrash either. In fact, I don’t even listen to Metal, Dubstep and RnB is more my thing. I just thought it would make a good question. No, but seriously, I’d want Machine Head there – They’re one of my favorite bands, even if they aren’t too “Thrashy.” Evile are probably the best modern Thrash band going, so feel free to add them. Then I’d stick Sylosis there as they’re relatively new kids on the block and are showing a lot potential. Finally, I’d have them led by the legends that are Metallica.

S: Aren’t the four of us like The Big Four of metal journalism? The title of this interview also suggests it. Aren’t we a bit more awesome though? Thoughts?
M: Hey you’re right! Well let’s see; we’ve never cut out hair or begun wearing tight jeans. We didn’t think it would be awesome to get a symphony orchestra to back us up. We didn’t get side-tracked by pop music or Nu-Metal. We didn’t bitch and moan about each other. We haven’t had counselling yet. None of us are ginger. None of us are called Kerry. We never forget who our singer is (mostly because we don’t have one). We’re all also fairly well hung (at least I am, I don’t know about you guys), so I’d say we’re definitely more awesome.

S: Just like Bret Michaels, our website had a facelift last week. To echo Alex’s thoughts, is it possible to improve on perfection?
M: I’d say it’s always possible. That’s the thing about being perfect, part of being perfect is you will always improve and grow. Much like my penis.

S: Evile played the song that changed Fridays forever. It’s not a real cover though. But if a metal version of the song was to emerge at one point (as I’m sure it will), would you like to hear it?
M: Sure… I’m into sadomasochism

S: Alex worked hard on another Top 10. No people will bitch about being included in this one. What’s your perfect guitar? Mine would be the one from Guitar Hero because that’s the only one I can play. Are you any better?
M:I always thought I’d get into playing guitar, but I never really found the time. Between sleeping, masturbating, eating and shitting, there just isn’t enough time left in the day to learn an instrument. I do own a couple of guitars though, I own a crappy acoustic which I actually prefer playing, and a Yamaha electric which I haven’t played in a few months now. As for my perfect guitar, I know fuck all about guitars these days, but Dave Mustaine’s Dean VMNT does look pretty sweet.

S: One last question about the site: You posted some more acoustic covers. Of all the ones you did so far, which one is your favorite?
M: Wait a second… We have a video category? Holy shit, you just blew my mind man. But anyways, my favorite one is the very first one I posted, the cover of Machine Head’s Now I Lay Thee Down. That was like sex to my ears, and not in the bad way.

S: And finally, one last question about me: Did you like my questions? Did you enjoy being interviewed? Also, say something to the people reading this if you feel like it. And thanks for your time.
M: Yeah your questions were great, thanks for interviewing me Simo, it’s been a pleasure. All I have to say to the readers is, thanks for reading guys, stay tuned to DoM for more awesomeness.

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