We’re one of the last of a dying breed. We’re the Albert Einstein of brutality, the William Shakespear of violence, the Arnold Schwarzenegger of funny, the Michael Jackson of metal. All these comparisons are way off though… because we’re better than those guys and we’re certainly better than anyone else out there, including you!
We’re so good, we’re interviewing each other. Who needs interviews with musicians, who have been interviewed already thousands of times? No one!
So, you want to know what happened this past week in metal? Make the jump, we’ll teach you a lesson.
G: How are you doing? Having a fine Easter so far? Did you know that Jesus is… dead?
A: Yeah they keep saying that every year about Jesus. The guy is pretty famous. I’m sure a sextape will surface soon.
G: This past week, we reviewed a bunch of stuff. Guns N’ Roses, Inside Hollow and The Haunted were three bands who got reviews dedicated to their latest releases. We also interviewed members of each of those bands in the past. Coincidence?
A: I think not.
G: I also reviewed another three albums this past Monday, but to stay on the topic of interviews, I got the chance to interview Kyle Thomas of Exhorder. Pretty cool, huh?
A: Yeah. And this one time, at band camp…
G: You know what else is pretty cool? A fridge.
A: My fridge is my best friend. If you drink and eat like I do, the fridge is where you spend most of your time, really.
G: What’s cooler than a fridge?
A: Two fridges?
G: Does anyone still watch music videos? I mean, there have been a bunch of new music videos over the past week. Music video after music video. Did you watch any of them? Personally, I watched Pain’s and thought it was fun as fuck.
A: I think it’s a shame that music videos kinda died down, but since YouTube is the third biggest site in the world, I’m pretty sure they’ll still be used a lot for promotion. And yeah, I’ve watched some of them…
G: Jon Bon Jovi was robbed, but who stole his manhood?
A: Mother nature.
G: To stay on topic, who stole your virginity? Was it Rob Halford?
A: I think this is a very inappropriate question and if it was supposed to be funny, it failed and it kinda insulted me. But yeah, it was him.
G: Apparently, K.K. Downing is down with Easter and therefore left Judas (Priest). We even know why. Comments?
A: I think this tour is a mess. First they called it a farewell tour, then they took it back. Now with K.K. out, won’t fans feel cheated? I already know a bunch of Judas fans who won’t be attending their show anymore. I think being respectful to your fans is what truly sells concert tickets.
G: Did you check out any of the free songs, we posted about?
A: Not really. I only like to download songs if I do it illegally.
G: You should totally check out Morbid Angel’s new one. You’d hate it, you Death Metal hating sucker. But I know for sure, you’d like the new BlackGates. Did you check it out?
A: I actually did like both BlackGates songs, they’re pretty much right up my alley…
G: Paul Stanley can’t hear but can still sing. Life’s not fair, is it?
A: I actually can’t joke about this, I don’t know what I’d do without my hearing since music is very important to me, so imagine how a professional musician must feel. I’m glad he’s trying to help kids and teenagers with similar problems.
G: Our own Simo, who’s down with all kinds of trivia, called me a “walking metal encyclopedia”. Are you jealous?
A: He did? Motherfucker…
G: Lars Ulrich and Dave Mustaine are BFFs again. Do you think Mustaine will join Metallica again?
A: If there was a legitimate offer for Dave to join Metallica, I’m almost sure he’d take it. But I do think it would be cool if Dave joined them on stage to jam to some of the early songs they wrote together. If they’re as close as they’d like us to believe, why don’t they do it?
G: While we’re at it, I posted some updates about the Big Four and you shared your thoughts on the matter. Any thoughts on your thoughts?
A: I just remember when people would fantasize about a Big Four tour and it was always a ‘what if’ scenario no one thought would happen. Yet here it is, second year in a row, and people just bitch about it. I think that’s sad. I know we can find a lot of flaws in all four bands but for fuck’s sake, how can you be a metalhead and ignore what all four of them did in the 80s? For that, alone, you should go see these shows, especially since they play all their important songs…
A: At least Paramore gets me a semi.
G: My Friday Top 10 was about brutal metal covers. What did you think of it?
A: I liked some of those covers, but I think some were a bit ‘try hard,’ so to speak. In my opinion, you should make a great album cover and if it also happens to be brutal, so be it. I think some of those bands did it the other way around. But I’m just nitpicking, really…
G: That’s about it. Any last words before I put you back into your cage?
A: This interview has been pretty disrespectful, and I think you should accept The Lord Jesus Christ as your savior before you can have any joy in your Godless life.