Friday Top 10: Heaviest albums of all time

Just a couple of weeks ago, the UK’s Kerrang magazine counted down their top 10 heaviest albums of all time. The thing is with Kerrang’s list, though, was I just couldn’t really agree with it. I mean they had The Beatles in the top 10! It was obvious the list was a bit of a joke, so I decided I would put together my own top 10. A top 10 that was just a bit more credible, serious, and would appeal more to so called “real” metalheads.

So to the elite, for real fans of Metal, this top 10 is for you. I hope ya’ll enjoy it, yo.

#10 Nine Inch Nails – Year Zero

So, the first album in the top 10 is from Trent Reznor, as part of his Nine Inch Nails alias. Trent, make no mistake, is a true genius. Proving that music doesn’t have to have guitars in order to be “heavy”, Year Zero provides some fantastic uses of beats, electro noises and bleeps. The monotonal voice creates a feeling of loneliness and moodiness, only exacerbating in the incredible heaviness.

#9 System of a Down – Hypnotize

System of a Down‘s last album was so heavy, nearly no one can actually remember it. I believe it featured lots of epic goat sounds as well as some immense whining from guitarist-turned-frontman, Daron Malikianianian (or something). There may have been some in-depth lyrics in regards to terracotta pie, but it was just too heavy for me to really understand.

#8 Megadeth – Risk

Being heavy is all about taking risks. It’s not all about loudness and distorted guitars. Dave Mustaine understood this perfectly, and thus, he released this masterpiece. When you have songs called ‘Crush ‘Em’, you just know the album is going to be heavy as fuck.

#7 Limp Bizkit – Results May Vary

In 2001, Limp Bizkit – the greatest American band, named after a masturbation game, of all time – lost a member who was often misguidedly referred to as “the only talent” (obviously a mistake when you have Fred Durst in the band). Of course, I’m talking about guitarist Wes Borland. What happened after though, was the band released one of the heaviest albums of their career. Just listen to the acoustic cover of ‘Behind Blue Eyes’ to know the band mean business.

#6 Coldplay – X&Y

Now I know what you’re thinking… Coldplay aren’t Metal, I know, but this album really was very heavy. It was heavy in an emotional way which you don’t often get in Metal. The track ‘Fix You’ is all about fixing someone who, like, broke their leg or something. Sometimes, heaviness isn’t just about ferocious riffs. It’s also about having a good cry.

#5 Linkin Park – A Thousand Suns

Metal is all about breaking down boundaries, and that’s exactly what Linkin Park did with their latest record. In fact, if music were an anus, Linkin Park would have smashed the backdoor in with a giant penis. A Thousand Suns was such a masterpiece, that we didn’t even give it a rating when we reviewed it.

#4 Korn – The Path to Totality

I haven’t heard this album yet… As far as I know, no one has. However, how can it not be heavy? It’s fucking Korn and Dubstep combined! It’s going to be absolutely off the hook. Electro beats, whaaarp, wah whaar, wah sounds and JD’s vocals, The Path to Totality totally deserves it’s spot in this totally amazing list. So don’t let a small little thing like the album not even being out yet dissuade you from accepting its slot in the top 10.

#3 Staind – Staind

For their latest album, Staind got heavy. Now, don’t get me wrong, all their songs which were played with the same 4 to 6 chords, and were all about being sad, were pretty heavy, but nothing could prepare fans for this album of ferocity. Ok, when I reviewed it, I only gave it 1/5, but that’s not because it’s a bad album per say, it’s merely that the music is so heavy, I can barely make my way through it. Blood Red Throne, eat your hearts out, Staind are handing you your asses.

#2 Fieldy’s Dreams – Rock’n Roll Gangster

Not many people remember this little gem. Possibly because it was so heavy, it caused everyone to run away from the record in fear. I don’t blame them, the bass line and dope raps were pummelling and tested my ears to the max. Fieldy’s Dreams also gave us some much needed insight into Fieldy’s dreams.

#1 Metallica – St Anger

And finally, here we have the heaviest album ever. St Anger was so heavy, the band didn’t need professional recording gear, and their therapist made sure everything was kept raw and “real”. Going back to their early roots, the band recorded the album in a garage with a couple of Lars’ mom’s saucepans nicked from her kitchen and a of trashcan borrowed from next door. Kirk manned up and learned to lose the solos and Jaymz sang about dirty windows and other day-to-day annoyances. Metallica were back!


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