19
Jun

Weak Recap: Mark your territory

Last week’s been all about Mark. He’s posted the most posts (read: all of them) because everyone else was busy. He’s taken one for the team and spent less time watching porn and more time writing for the site.

So it seems fitting that this weekend I get to interview him and ask him what he thinks on (mostly) his posts from this week.

Actually, we just have an order of interviewing each other for this self-indulgent and shitty awesome Weak Recap thing, and it just so happens that it’s Mark’s turn to be interviewed. Last week he interviewed me.

Make the jump and read the interview with the most amazing DoM writer (after myself and the other guys).

P.S. = That’s not Mark and his girlfriend above. Mark’s girlfriend is much fatter.

This Mark created Facebook. Our Mark is even nerdier.

Alex: Hi Mark. I’m not really interested in how you are so let me just ask you: What do you think of me? Am I awesome or what?
Mark: Who are you again?

A: Last week you had the immense honor of interviewing me. Was it the highlight of your life?
M: Yeah, sure… If by “highlight of my life” you meant like having my testicles crushed in a vice grip whilst a monkey slaps my cock with a banana, then I guess you could say it was the highlight of my life.

A: Lemme ask you first about Seth Putnam’s death. The news was posted right as we did the recap so we didn’t include it. Thoughts on Anal Cunt?
M: I hate to be a dick, considering the guy just died and all, but being completely honest, I can’t stand Anal Cunt and I never found them funny, just annoying. I didn’t want to say anything, out of respect. But then if it was someone else who had died, and Seth Putnam was still alive, he probably would have written a song called “death is for f*ggots” or something…

A: Do you like anal?
M: Oh, this is awkward… Man, I think you’re a great friend, but I just don’t swing that way sorry. I’m into girls. I’m sure you’ll find the perfect guy one day though and you’ll forget all about me and how I broke your heart.

A: Phil performed Pantera’s classic Walk with Down. That’s an awesome song, isn’t it?
M: It is indeed.

A: You reviewed Strapping Young Lad’s Alien for us and I decided I’m gonna make the longest link possible, thus linking the whole question. Do you like Strapping Young Lad?
M: Well I don’t like strapping up young lads if that’s what you mean. I mean, dude, I already told you I don’t swing that way.

A: The Golden Gods awards seemed pretty pointless. Best UK band? I mean, come on… Obviously The Darkness.
M: Haha I don’t follow these awards, but I have to ask, do Iron Maiden win every year? I mean you can’t go all these years of having a different winner each time and then get to 2011 and go “you know what, we’ve been wrong all this time. Iron Maiden are actually the best band”.

A: Is you a virgin lol?
M: Yes, but please don’t tell my girlfriend, she’ll wonder who she’s been fucking all this time.

A: Simo hasn’t written anything since Christ’s death. So you took over his Tuesday Trivia last week. Did it feel good stealing his thunder?
M: The last time I spoke to Simo, I was telling him about my love for Japanese Siamese twin midget porn, and then he disappeared without a trace. That can’t be a coincidence. I guess  he’s been very “busy”… In answer to your question though, I actually think my Tuesday Trivia was a bit shit. It’s the first time I’ve ever written one though, so at least I’ve lost at least some form of virginity.

A: Longest metal song ever, eh? Can you imagine a two hour long music video on MTV or something? That would be something else…
M: What’s an MTV?

A: I haven’t read your ‘Drunk man searches for Ozzy‘ story properly. Was it his son looking for him or what?
M: I actually thought it was Guido, because that would have explained his absence, but it wasn’t 🙁

A: Dusty Peterson wrote for our site before when he put together our Top 10 Best News Posts and Top 10 Best Articles of 2010. But before that he gave us our first interview. Last week he popped his ‘proper article cherry’ and wrote about Metal Art. Was the article badass or what?
M: The article was amazing, and it puts us all to shame. I found it such an informative and interesting post, especially as I used to have a real love for art. It reminded me of what a loser I am for never making anything of my life though lol.

A: Metallica’s own Monopoly came out last week. LOL.
M: LOL.

A: Do you think there’s a card out there saying “You have downloaded ‘I Disappear’ illegally. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.”?
M: Bwahaha damn why didn’t I think of that joke? you should have written the story man, that was much better than my Napster joke.

A: Will we ever get tired of Metallica/Napster Monopoly puns?
M: Nope, never.

A: Speaking of Metallica, their new super super secret super secret project turns out to be a lame Lou Reed album. Have they disappointed metalheads again, or are we all used to it by now?
M: Personally I’m used to it now and completely desensitised to it. It’s going to be shit though and I just know it. We all do deep down. I don’t know if you read Metal Hammer at all, but they had like 400 fucking news posts and blog entries about the album and were trying their hardest to defend it. It’s like “no, it’s going to suck. Shut up already”.

A: Yet another ‘Blast From The Past‘ from you. This time: The Haunted. I don’t know what to ask so ask yourself a question and answer it. Thanks.
M: Mark, how long is your wang? My wang is exactly 8.5 inches in length and I thank you for your interest.

A: Metal Kino… Anakonda Im Netz… What the fuck does it mean and why is there German on our site?
M: Haha I know, I thought the same thing. I think it translates as “Metal king… Mark is fucking awesome”. It was an interesting read though, fo’ sho’.

A: Guido came back with a vengeance and also posted a Friday Top 10. Best Death Metal songs. Is Death Metal even music?
M: The American composer John Cage once said that there is no noise, only sound. To elaborate on this, you can not define what is and isn’t music, as what may be great music to me may be noise to someone else, and vice versa. But this is way too deep and intelligent for Dose of Metal, I should be insulting your mother by now or something. On topic though, I thought Guido did a great job with the Top 10 this week.

A: Anything else to add while no one reads this shit except us two?
M: Yes, I thank both myself and you for making this post so awesome. And if anyone actually is reading this, thank you for reading. It makes my willy hard.

A: On a scale of 1 to 100, how awesome am I?
M: 666

A: Alright, see you around and take care, yo. Boo-yah!
M: See you man, thanks for the interview <3 x x x

 


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