12
Jun

Weak Recap: We are Gods

Well ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special edition of our Weak Recap. I know what you’re thinking; “but Mark, every week you do the Weak Recap is a special one” and you’d be right. But this week’s is particularly special, because this is the 13th week of our awesome weekly recap feature. That means we’ve managed to keep this up for over 3 months, with each week just getting better and better. And 3 months is quite an achievement since the longest I’ve managed to keep a girlfriend is 2 hours.

So how’s this week going to improve as opposed to previous weeks? Well, this time I’m going to be interviewing Alex, meaning you have the two sexiest writers of DoM together for the first time! I have no idea how you ladies out there are going to contain your excitement.

So women, make sure you have a fresh pair of panties at hand, because it’s time for mine and Alex’s awesome love making session. Erm, I mean it’s time for us to recap the week. Just make the jump already!

A typical Sunday evening for Dose of Metal's Alex

Mark: Hey Alex, good to speak to you. How’s shit this week?
Alex: I don’t monitor my shit on a daily basis, but I have noticed it to be a bit firmer this week, since I laid off the beer. Weird question but thanks for being interested in my health, I guess.

M: So this is my first time interviewing you. What can I expect from the great Alex?
A: What can’t you expect, would be an easier question... I’m a triple threat: I’m a premature ejaculator, impotent and micropeened — is what my cunt of an ex girlfriend wrote on my Facebook wall. Don’t believe all that, I’m amazing.

M: We’ve also been doing this for 3 months now. How does that feel?
A: Yeah, time flies when you’re writing for a shitty metal website… It feels pretty good, I guess, since it’s a fun feature to do at the end of the week. And we don’t recap it by doing a list of articles we wrote or something. That would be lame and self-indulgent. Interviewing each other, on the other hand, is the total opposite of that. Right?

M: I started this week with a little bit of Evile, and then by coincidence there was also some Evile news to report. What do you think of the band? Did you check out their new song?
A: I like Evile, I always described their sound as ‘Metallica if Dave stayed in the band.’ But to be honest, I haven’t checked out their new song. They’re a band I enjoy, but they don’t have that extra something to make me love them… They’re missing that third nipple or extra long clitoris, you know what I mean?

M: In other news, Bruce Dickinson says Iron Maiden are better than Metallica. He’s right, right?
A: Umm, I guess so. You know how you can’t compare different car classes when it comes to safety? Like, can’t compare a station wagon to a compact? It’s kinda like that with metal… I don’t really think you can compare bands of different generations, it’s just a metal legacy going on that needs to be respected. Didn’t Lars’ ad (to which James responded) say something about wanting to make music like Iron Maiden? That, alone, proves that there would probably be no Metallica without Iron Maiden.

So I do agree in that sense, and as far as which band we like more, that’s just a matter of tastes… But I will say that Bruce sounds extremely bitter in that interview… I get a “THEY ARE TEH BIGGER BUT WE RULE!!!” kind of vibe from ihim. Just shut up and focus on your music, is what I always say. Stop worrying about other bands. It’s that thing of everyone having to pick on Metallica for their success which annoys me. Leave them alone and focus on your own career. Especially when you’re in Iron Maiden.

Do you want the long version of the answer now? 😛

M: Crucified Barbara are entering the studio. Does anyone care?
A: Oh God, are they the ones who made that awful “Barbara Streisand” song?

M: If you could crucify any one in the world, who would it be?
A: My ex girlfriend for talking about my manhood on Facebook.

M: This week you informed us of Metallica’s plan to release a special version of Monopoly. Is it true? Will there be a card that says “you decide to sue Napster, lose half your fans, but receive $1000 from the bank”?
A: Haha, can’t believe I haven’t thought of that joke. You should have posted that news instead of me. Is the Monopoly thing true? Yeah, I got it from Facebook, so it has to be real.

M: I’m currently writing this whilst watching the Live from Sofia Big Four DVD, and masturbating. On a scale of 1 to 10, how awesome am I?
A: I’ve been to that gig and masturbated whilst in the crowd, so I’ll give you a 9 and take the 10 for myself. Public indecency + deviant sexuality ftmw.

M: We also heard this week, how Corey Taylor spoke to some students at England’s famous Oxford University. Is it me, or is he the last person who should be speaking at that university? He also told people not to follow their dreams. Any thoughts?
A: Yeah, Corey Taylor speaking at Oxford sounds like that show Community. Where the college has no money to get someone famous so they settle for unknown people… That kind of thing. As for not following your dream, yeah, great advice coming from the guy whose dream was wearing a clown mask on stage and singing nu-metal. Imagine him not following that dream, he’d be flipping my burgers right about now and checking that my Sprite was at the optimum temperature.

M: Machine Head released a 30 second snippet of a new song ‘Locust’ earlier this week, and then a rough mix of the full song later leaked. Did you check out the song? If so, what did you think of it?
A: I could lie and say that I did, but I actually didn’t. Is it nu-metal?

M: Chris also interviewed Silent Fall. What did you make of the interview?
A: It was Chris’ second interview and I liked it. We’ve all been busy as shit these past few months and our content has suffered a lot, so good for him for doing an interview amidst the lack of posts.

M: Judas Priest have no plans for retirement. Aren’t they just taking the piss, since they planned a much hyped “farewell” tour? Will you still go and see them when they’re 80 and performing with mobility walkers (zimmer frames)?
A: I’m actually seeing them for a second time this summer so yeah, I’ll probably see them when they’re in their 80s, too… That’s next year, right?

M: Dream Theater are happy, Chimaira are happy, are you happy?
A: Not really. But I don’t want to get into my insecurities right now, let’s keep it metal.

M: This week’s Friday Top 10 was done by yours truly, and was about the best albums of the 90s. Not everyone agreed with my list, what did you make of it? Any glaring omissions that I should be killed and eaten for not including?
A: I think it needed more metal in it, because we’re apparently called Dose of Metal. But I had no problems with that list, especially since Pantera’s album pretty much changed the game when it got out.

M: I also compared music to food this weekend, and argued Metal is a fine meal. Thoughts? Metal is epic right?
A: Metal is like a big beef+chicken shawarma with a few cold beers. That’s my favorite meal so that’s a huge compliment. Question… If we compare music to food, what kind of food would Dino Cazares be?

M: This week you went a bit gay on us, and instead of ridiculing kids (like you should), you actually praised a kid. Why the change of heart?
A: Because kids kick ass *does the Michael Jackson move*

M: So that’s it for this week, thanks for your time, any last words for all our readers?
A: Yeah, if you’re reading this and made it this far, you obviously need to do something with your life.


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