Friday Top 10: Heavy metal soap operas, part 2

What, you thought last Friday’s Top 10 was the only one? Ha, you wish! Just like a proper soap, we’re popping out endless sequels. Well, maybe not endless, because I plan to wrap it up with this one, but who knows when this topic will come back from the dead.

Make the jump and read ten more never-ending and/or soapy and/or embarrassing stories from the world of metal.


Let’s start off with something easy and vaguely related to TV shows. Two words: product placements.

Linkin Park Nights

Do you remember Baywatch? I don’t know if I should call it soap opera, it’s more like erotic programming with hot chicks and David Hasselhoff running around saving them from drowning and then banging them. But, do you remember Baywatch Nights? And what the fuck does this have to do with Linkin Park? Well, Linkin Park are a similar thing in a musical way, only made for 13-year-old girls. And the new Linkin Park is the equivalent of the Baywatch Nights. It went from something a 13-year-old girl would listen to, to something they probably use to torture people in Guantanamo.

Marilyn Manson is on a never-ending quest…

…to find a girlfriend. And the world has to suffer for being the witness. Why do I even have to know he was married to Dita von Teese? Why do I have to know they had a tough divorce? Why do I have to know he’s banging 19-year-olds? Well, mostly because he started making albums about it. Dear Marilyn Manson, please go back to “fighting” society and religion and be “shocking” again.

OMG Head left Korn!1!11

There are many things to make fun of when it comes to Korn, but this one just takes the cake. Head left Korn because he found Jesus. I believe I’ve mentioned this one before, so excuse me for recycling it, but it really is kind of soapy. They were best buddies, all of a sudden they can’t stand each other, there’s religion involved, there’s drug addiction, there’s betrayal, there’s Jonathan probably crying in a corner somewhere, there’s a former porn star. Should be a TV show.

Maynard’s dick

Tool, A Perfect Circle and Maynard James Keenan are the equivalent of the TV show that pretends to be a high-brew and artistic, but is in fact a bit overrated and kinda pretentious. Speaking of high-brew, Maynard spends more time on his vineyard than he does on stage nowadays. Where does the soap/drama element kick in? Well, I couldn’t think of anything, I just wanted to piss some Tool fans off, because you know, that’s how we roll.

Reunions, comebacks, moneys

This isn’t aimed at any band, but I’m just generally speaking. Another thing about metal that’s kinda lame, are the much publicized returns of bands. They’re sort of like the cast of a TV show reuniting for a special show where they remember the good times and pretend they cared about each other. At least on TV, it’s clear they got payed to do that one thing, and they do it professionally, but musicians aren’t actors, and they still want us to believe how they “reconnected,” “missed each other,” bla bla, when in fact in the meantime they probably spent more time talking shit about each than making music, and their reunions often last as short as that special TV show.

Will Slipknot ever make a new album?

Fuck Slipknot, fuck Corey Taylor, and fuck this story. I feel like I go back in time each time they release a new album and stop the touring cycle. Remember after “Iowa,” there were many speculations that they were splitting up? Then hype started building up, rumors about a very hard recording process were flying all around, they release “Vol. 3,” tour the shit out of it, then go their separate way and claim it’s the end, “we don’t know if we’ll ever make any new albums,” and so on. Of course, money runs out, someone puts a glock on Corey’s head, and voila, a new album is out, a new tour is on, and a year after we hear the same story. Judging by the meh “All Hope Is Gone” was, I actually kind of wish they’d actually do it. Corey obviously likes pop rock way too much, so why pressure him into making shitty Slipknot albums?

Metallica vs Napster

Yeah, it’s 2000 again. For those of you who don’t remember, Napster is the thing responsible for you getting all your music with few clicks in a few seconds today. They revolutionized file sharing, bunch of lawsuits followed, they went out of business, but once it started it couldn’t be stopped. So, where’s Metallica in all of this? Well, being the good kids of their label, they did everything they were told. Cut your hair – check. Drop metal from your music – check. Sue some nerds and be very vocal about it – check. Make nu metal album – check. Holy shit this isn’t working, make an old school thrash album – Errm… Aaa…

I wonder what Ozzy’s been doing?

I really wish there was a way to see Ozzy Osbourne, his wife Satan Sharon, and their retarded spoiled children 24/7. Oh well…

The 2005 Ozzfest fuck-up

What, Ozzy again? Yes, and too bad this way of recording people non stop like they’re monkeys in an experiment, I’ll call it “reality TV,” wasn’t there to film the 2005 Ozzfest. So the story goes like this: Iron Maiden were invited to join the stage with Black Sabbath, thus making every metalhead’s wet dream come true. According to some rumors, Maidens talked shit about Ozzy previous to the tour in Kerrang, and made jokes about their reality TV program on stage (who wouldn’t).

Was it disrespectful doing it while you’re sharing the stage with the band and management that invited you there? Might have been. But how did Sharon deal with the situation? Professionally, of course – by throwing eggs at Maiden, sending Black Label Society members on stage to wave the American flag, cutting their PA and calling Bruce Dickinson a prick. Classy, real classy. Not only is this shameful from every angle, it’s also on the level of a first-grader. That’s metal soap for ya right there.

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