Blitzkritik: Serj Tankian – Imperfect Harmonies

Alright, so you know the score. Blitzkritik means I listen to an album and write the review as I go through it. Fast. To the point. Superficial. Subjective. Lame. Everything a review has to be. Here we go.

I’m not gonna beat around the bush… I’ve always hated Serj, but not necessarily ‘Serj the Musician,’ although he is pretentious and condescending with his music, but mostly ‘Serj, the propagandist.’

I just find it completely lame that he wasn’t born in the United States, but went there as child, met his future bandmates, got rich and famous, and now is criticizing the very country that made it all possible. I have an idea, why don’t you go back to Armenia?

Anyways, he’s released a solo album. Will I like it? Probably not, but who knows?

Serj Tankian – Imperfect Harmonies

Right off the bat, the cover makes me want to punch him in the face. Can this guy not do anything without it being a not-so-subtle pretentious metaphor? Jesus fucking Christ. Notice his pose, he’s Jesus on a cross, isn’t he? He’s the Messiah sent to this world to lecture us on what not to do. Whatever… At least the music won’t be like this… Right?

01. Disowned Inc:
Wrong. Yes it is. The first song sounds like a Warcraft intro before a mission.

Serj started singing. Wow, this is fucking terrible. Out of tune and sounding like a priest.

Is he holding his nose while singing this?

“You survived in vain”
“I am the brother of resistence”

Sure you are, Serj, sure you are. Next.

02. Borders Are: Second song. This oughta be good…

What the? The vocals sound the same. Oh wait, he’s using falsetto.

“Never let you go” — Oh please do, cause I can’t take this no more. Next.

03. Deserving:
Call me crazy, but this sounds exactly like anything SOAD would do. This guy sure reinvented himself, didn’t he?

2:56 — Listen to those backing vocals, my God…

His voice is terrible. Is this guy for real?

3:47 — Is he holding his balls?

04. Beatus:
The intro doesn’t sound bad, to be honest… Let’s wait for the vocals though…

Okay, the vocals started. He sounds like a Catholic priest. I don’t know if I should keep listening or baptize somebody.

1:03 — Now it sounds like Linkin Park… What’s with the whole techno shit? Surely next song won’t be the same…

05. Reconstructive Demonstration:
Scratch that, yes it is. More techno mumbo jumbo. I dare you to wait 20 seconds until the vocals kick in and not laugh at his nasal voice. Incredible.

Is he a goat?

4:40 — I quite like that outro, to be honest. Mostly cause he isn’t singing on it… Next…

06. Electron:
Beginning sounds like a Coolio song.

Bass kicked in, now it sounds like a Coolio song with bass on it.

Vocals started. The first time I don’t want to punch myself in the ears. He doesn’t make me want to kill myself in this register…

Problem is, it’s still pretty Linkin Parkish.

1:00 — FUCK. The goat is back. God, kill me now…

3:26 — Whispers end the song. Classy!

07. Gate 21:
He starts singing right away, still out of tune. Someone give this guy Kanye’s number.

1:49 — Holy shit, my FUCKING EARS!!! NEXT.

08. Yes, It’s Genocide:
Another pretentious title. Can’t this guy fucking name his songs like normal fucking person?

Sounds like a priest again. Thou shalt keep thy propaganda to thyself. Next.

09. Peace Be Revenged:
I’m gonna say this, from now on, when the goat vocals kick in, I’m skipping the song. End of discussion.

0:51 — GOAT. SHIT. Next.

10. Left of Center:
Second to last song. Thank fuck.

Intro sounds like if Linkin Park scored Inception.

0:25 — GOAT. FUCK! Next.

11. Wings of Summer:
Last song. Thank fuck.

Intro sounds very Avril Lavignesque.

0:25 — No. FUCKING. Way. The Goat just took a sip of helium. God, this is fucking terrible, but being the last song, I’m gonna listen to all of it.

0:47 — I know what you’re thinking. Some out of tune trombone is missing from this song. You’re in luck. It’s exactly what kicks in.

1:11 — My fucking ears…

3:36 — Is he for real? Can he not hear himself?

Wow, what a rush. My ears honestly hurt. I can’t believe this guy is allowed to sing in the shower, much less on a record. I used to like his vocals in Chop Suey, what the fuck is wrong with this album? I’m not trying to be funny, it’s fucking awful. It’s not just a question of whether or not I like it, but a question of whether my ears can handle it or not. Sorry Serj.

Final verdict: Good, for a goat. Awful, for a human.

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