25
Feb

Friday Top 10: YouTube cliches that need to go

It’s hard to picture the internet without YouTube nowadays, but it’s pretty shocking to think the site was started in 2005. Do you remember what it was like before? Usually idiotic streaming via Windows Media Player that took forever and looked like shit. Before that you simply had to download the clips.

Now YouTube is the third biggest website in the world (after Google and Facebook) and it seems like the internet is just dominated by embedded YT clips. But what does this really mean? It means A LOT of idiots have access to it thus we have a lot of crappy videos and retarded comments. I remember the day when people with two digit IQs couldn’t even turn on the computer. Now EVERYONE has internet access, and most people are pretty stupid so you get the idea…

Anyway, I’m gonna list the top 10 most annoying YouTube cliches. Granted, not the most ‘metal’ of articles but hey, these apply mostly to music videos and they can be found on metal videos so you elitist metalheads will be able to relate.


#10 – Misleading titles

Ever looked for a certain song or video? Ever found that video pretty fast? Or did you?

I usually think I found what I was looking for by the thumbnail and title and then I click it and it’s just a piece of shit song. Either unrelated to the title or it had its audio muted and the author is apologizing via ridiculously annoying annotations. For fucks sake, got copyright problems? Remove the video and don’t mislead people.

Sometimes the video is simply trying to get me to go to another site to ‘download the MP3’ — Nice try, asshole. Other people put “HD” or “720p” in their title even if the video simply isn’t HD. More about this on the next cliche.

It’s great to see that quality videos get censored, removed or muted all the time by YouTube, but they never just delete useless or spam videos.

#9 – Fake HD

Like I mentioned above, some people put “HD” in their titles even though the videos aren’t. But some people simply stretch their shitty videos to HD resolution so YouTube says HD but in fact, it isn’t.

Allow me to explain. YouTube knows if a video is HD or not by its resolution. Technically, resolution is simply the video’s dimensions. So you can take a piece of shit video filmed with a bad camera and simply stretch that video to 1280×720. YouTube will say it’s 720p, but it isn’t. It’s the equivalent of stretching a small photo to 12 megapixel resolution and claiming that’s how big it is. The digital equivalent of shoving a folded scarf down your bathing suit.

The thing that annoys me the most is that a lot of people buy into it and believe it’s HD. Get your eyes checked, morons.

Some people put a bit of work into their videos. They stretch them then add blurs and sharpens to it, kind of like an upscale. That isn’t THAT bad, at least they’re making an effort. But it’s still deceiving people.

A good example is this. It’s called “MetallicaHD” but all it has is regular videos stretched out to HD resolution. Awful.

#8 – U.S.A. vs. U.K. disputes

Got a bit too technical and non-metalish with the previous two cliches? No worries, this one is all metal. I swear every video from a legendary band has a discussion about which country had the best bands. It’s usually Americans fighting with Brits.

Listen fuckers, who gives a shit? You’re not impressing anyone by quoting Wikipedia.

Yes Brits, without Black Sabbath and NWOBHM bands there would probably be no Big Four. Does that make The Big Four any less significant? No.
Yes Americans, American metal bands like Pantera simply kick ass regardless of who influenced them. Does that make your country superior in terms of music? No.

You’re both kinda right and you’re both kinda wrong. Stop focusing on nationality and just worry about the music, alright? I don’t need to read 300 pages of “green teeth” and “fat and stupid” insults.

#7 – The Best Part

Hand me a gun because I’ll shoot myself next time I’ll read this comment. And all I have to do is just check any video, really, cause it’s spreading faster than a box of Red Man chewing tobacco at a Hellyeah concert.

You know this, right? If a video is, say, 3:30 long. One asshole will always post this comment: “0:01 – 3:30 is the best part!!!!”

I get it, you like the WHOLE video. Keep it to yourself. This pun was cute the first time it was used 4 years ago. Now it’s just redundant and annoying. Everyone’s seen it at least two million times, STOP IT!

#6 – Free Replay button

Yet another time code cliche. LOLZ THIS IS JUST PRECIOUS AND HILARIOUS LMAO!!

YouTube has had this thing for a couple of years, where it automatically hyperlinks time codes in comments so that when you click them, it takes you to that specific time in the video. Useful option but totally useless in the hands of the internet retards. Cause now they post “0:00” which obviously takes you to the beginning of the video, and next to it “free replay button!” — I didn’t know it cost money to click the Replay button, asshole. Thanks for the freebie.

These animals deserve anal cancer.

#5 – Dumb annotations

Again, YouTube keeps trying to improve itself but these new features end up in the hands of mentally challenged kids who just abuse them. Annotations could be useful but most of the time they say “HIT SUBSCRIBE!!!!” or “Visit my other vid” or they point out awkward moments in the video “OMG I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT LOL”

Some people, like this guy, hide 70% of the video with them. It’s just fucking ludicrous.

Luckily you can turn them off so that’s a quick fix, but it’s still annoying to see them and they just makes my blood boil.

#4 – Crappy lyrics videos

Windows Movie Maker was introduced on Windows XP in 2001. It was a great tool to use a decade ago. Video editing was not easy, computers were not powerful, this program just made it fun and easy to edit a video.

But for fuck’s sake, it’s 2011. If your hobby is making videos, get a better program.

Every lyrics video has those stupid Movie Maker animations on a blue background. They don’t even bother to change that. Put some effort in it, for fuck’s sake. I simply can’t watch these videos anymore. The lyrics are obviously out of sync and everything is making my brain bleed.

Learn proper video editing or stay the fuck away from YouTube.

#3 – You say Justin Bieber, I say AC/DC

Nothing says “shoot me” better than a virgin kid who’s trying to play the rebel on YouTube. Either get yourself a plane ticket to Egypt or shut the fuck up. You’re not a rebel if you spam Justin Bieber videos, you’re just a loser.

So what am I talking about? Oh, you know this. On every pop/crap music video, there’s at least one comment that goes like this:

“You say Justin Bieber, I say AC/DC,
You say Miley Cyrus, I say Led Zeppelin,
You say Hip-Hop, I say shut the fuck up
You say Pop, I scream Hard Rock
blah blah blah
92% of teenagers have turned to Hip Hop and Pop. If you are part of the 8% that still listen to real music, copy and paste this message to another 5 videos

DON’T LET SPIRIT OF ROCK DIE!”

92% eh? Where did you get that statistic? Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the message per se but for fuck’s sake, that list doesn’t make any sense. Why pair up Justin Bieber with AC/DC and Miley Cyrus with Led Zeppelin? I just don’t get it.

Wouldn’t it be easier to say “You say Hip-Hop and Pop, I say Heavy Metal and Rock! Don’t let the spirit die”

Surely it’s faster and less annoying than that stupid novel. Also, it’s a free world. Let small children and people with awful taste in music watch whatever they want. How would you like to see the same type of message on every clip you watch? And guess what, I’m not part of your 8%, fuck you.

#2 – All the people who hit dislike are…

This is hard to give a title to so allow me to explain. Ever seen something like

“1,066 people are Metallica fans” on a Megadeth video, for instance?

It’s people taking the number of ‘dislikes’ a video has and just attributing it a ‘clever’ pun. What’s extremely idiotic about it is that surely the number of dislikes is bound to change so your comment could make no sense in about 2 minutes.

I guess this is inspired by Maddox who puts a counter under each article and uses a pun, but guess what, his counter WORKS. So it always shows the correct number. You could say “1,066 people are…” and the video has 1,200 dislikes. What then, asshole? Your witty joke is just meaningless. Oh and it got old loooong ago.

Blow me.

#1 – Thumbs up beggar

I don’t mind the rating system on comments, I’ve read some hilarious ones because they had a huge number of votes thus were on top.  Again, the feature is useful but people are fucking stupid.

Half the comments now seem to beg for thumbs up.

“Pantera rocks! Thumbs up if you agree”
“Thumbs up if you think Dimebag is a God!”

I’ll shove my thumbs right up your ass, you clown. The rating system is supposed to be used for worthy comments. Begging for it is the total opposite of that. I always give ‘dislikes’ to these comments. I wish YouTube gave me the power of 1,000 dislikes in one click. Then let’s see what’s up, nerds…

So there you have it. My top 10 list of annoying YouTube cliches that bother me and make one of the greatest sites in the world so impossible to use properly. I realize the order of this Top 10 is purely subjective, as some of you may find #9, for instance, much more annoying than #1. Frankly, don’t even think of it as a proper order, they all annoy me almost equally and it’s just proof that most people are not ready for technology.


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