Blitzkritik: Linkin Park – A Thousand Suns

Nu-metal is like a nude beach. Sounds good in theory, but you go there and the people you see shouldn’t ever be nude in public because they’re fat and hairy, and the one cute chick is laughing at your small penis with her friends.

What I mean by that is, rock + rap wasn’t a bad idea per se, but it was done by no-talent nimwits for the most part, hence all the terrible bands, albums and singles released in that genre.

Which brings me to Linkin Park. A band who decided to also get a misspelled name after Limp Bizkit made it big. I’ve never liked them, and I think all their members are pretty bad at their instruments, maybe except the singer.

So without further ado, let’s review the latest offering from this “8-bit metal” band.

Linkin Park – A Thousand Suns

No, this isn’t a joke. That’s actually the album cover… No name, no title, just some blurry piece of shit. Which is my view of Linkin Park, btw, so actually it’s a pretty good cover.

I don’t have time am way too lazy to do proper reviews, so I do “blitzkritiks” (a term I just invented) which means I play the album A to Z and write this as I listen to it. Saves me time, and is much more authentic like that. First thing on my mind, BOOM, written. So here we go.

01. The Requiem : The intro track, very short, just 2 minutes, it sounds like Evanescence if they scored Super Mario Bros on the SNES.

02. The Radiance : Finally the first proper song of the album? Nope. A SECOND intro track, this one is under a minute. Someone mumbles some unintelligble crap, whatever. Next.

03. Burning in the Skies : Took me a while to get to this song, but I’m finally here. The beginning sounds like a mixture of Duke Nukem’s OST and Mika. Let’s hear the vocals.

Okay, the vocals are awful. This sounds like a mellow version of “Somewhere I belong”

What the fuck? It has a solo. Well, I say solo, some tremolo picking, courtesy of Brad “The Ripper” Delson.

Also, the chorus keeps saying “What I don’t deserve” to which I answer : a career. Moving along.

04. Empty Spaces : The album’s second song basically. Oh wait, no it isn’t, another interlude. Jesus fucking Christ.

05. When They Come For Me :
Track 5, but it’s actually just the second song. I already feel like I’ve gone through half the album but I’m just beginning.

This song sounds like a bad version of QOTSA’s “Sick Sick Sick” mixed with Uriah Heep and an Asian trying to rap over it. Next.

06. Robot Boy :
Oh, pianos. Linkin Park just got done gone serious yo! Ballad!!!

God the piano is so out of tune, I feel like punching myself in the balls. It sounds like a Moby song. Next.

07. Jornada Del Muerto :
Another song which… Oh wait, no it isn’t, it’s another interlude. I think the title means “I’m shit” in Spanish.

08. Waiting For The End :
Great title, pretty much sums up how I’m feeling right now. Wow, the intro sounds awesome though!

Just kidding, it sucks. But it does sound better than everything else thus far. Except Shinoda’s “yo.”

Eh, verse started, now it sounds like a mixture of Insane Clown Posse and Smash Mouth. Next.

09. The Blackout :
The intro sounds like something Shakira would dance to.

Okay, the verse started, and it’s basically a carbon copy of their breakdown from “Faint.” Next.

10. Wretches and Kings : Prentetious title, pretentious intro. Awful song. Next.

11. Wisdon, Justice, and Love : I can’t believe this, another interlude. Next.

12. Indescent : More piano. More out of tune singing. Nothing quirky to say, really… So let’s move along…

13. Fallout :

14. The Catalyst : Well, what can I say… This sounds like a mixture of Kanye West, Lady Gaga and Crystal Method. Basically everything that’s wrong with music today. I puked a little in my mouth. Next.

15. The Messenger : Acoustic guitar, oooh… And I was expecting another interlude.

This song is actually quite good.

Just kidding, it’s bad. The whole album fucking sucks.

Final verdict: It fucking sucks.

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