Friday Top 10: Most pretentious non-metal videos

I consider music videos a proper art form, I really do. I’m actually quite saddened by how less important they are today, it used to be pretty exciting waiting for your favorite bands to release music videos when their new albums were due.

But some videos are just bad. Others are pretentious as hell, and what I mean by that is, they try to either be something they’re not or try to lecture the viewer about something. Most of them are just failed visual metaphors. So I’m gonna take a look at 10 of those videos. This is the non-metal edition, all-metal Top 10 coming next week, so stay tuned.

I should point out my credentials: Beer loving, Dorito eating couch potato with about 15 years of MTV watching experience. I know my shit. Ready for this? Make the jump.

#10 Marilyn Manson – Heart-Shaped Glasses

The fact that Marilyn Manson gets laid is mind boggling to me. The fact that he manages to get models and actresses, too, just makes me lose all hope in human kind.

Anyway, at the time of this video, he was dating Ewan Rachel Wood, who was 20 years younger than him or something. This sparked a lot of controversy, mainly because a freak was dating a mildly attractive chick, but Marilyn thought it was about the age difference. So he attacked this head on. How??

By referencing Lolita, of course. Cause, you see, he doesn’t have a Lolita complex, so he’s gonna dress his girlfriend up as Lolita (she wore heart-shaped glasses, btw) and make a song about it. Isn’t Marilyn just controversial as shit? I can’t believe he just did that… *insert rolling eyes here*

Alright so the video isn’t really about anything… I don’t get it… He’s performing, the chick is watching. Okay, so? At one point they’re both making out, covered in blood. So? He’s not even trying anymore… Blah.

#9 Nine Inch Nails – Starsuckers, Inc.

NIN is everything that’s wrong with technology nowadays. Anyone can make instrumentals in FL Studio and sing over them without actually being able to sing. And that sums up NIN.

But he claims to have integrity, which is why this video is dedicated to all the musicians he didn’t like at the time, or something.

So he’s in a limousine and he gets to a carnival. He has some frogs in a jar, by the way… Anyway past the trailer park he goes and then starts smashing plates, each having a face of someone he dislikes. The R.E.M. dude, Mariah Carey, Fred Durst, Marilyn Manson etc…

Then he throws their CDs in a toilet… Is this supposed to be a metaphor, Trent? It’s not too subtle…

But then wait, Marilyn Manson is in the car with him on the way back… So they’re friends, does that mean he’s friends with the other artists as well? What the fuck is this video all about and why is it edited by a spastic kid with Down Syndrome and ADHD?


#8 Linkin Park – In The End

I remember when this video came out, I wasn’t sure it was for real. I bet the Asian DJ directed it.

I’ll go past the fact that the CGI is absolutely awful, but what in the name of God is that whale doing, swimming in mid air? Is that supposed to be a symbol for Linkin Park? As in, a band which isn’t really real and defies all logic, but still stays afloat?

What does that statue even mean? Near the end, rain comes in. Bats start flying out of a cave… It’s like someone gave Zack Snyder crystal meth and made him make a bad short film. It’s really bad, I don’t even know if it’s pretentious or just plainly fucking stupid. Either way, terrible.

#7 Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun

This video prolly came out when the smudge tool was invented, so it was fresh back then. Right now it looks like some kid with too much time on his hands took some footage on his iMovie application and applied some weird effects.

Barbie doll being BBQd? Check.
Fat balerina? Check.
Big dog getting a bath? Check.

This video even has a hot MILF with a lizard tongue. It has everything.

#6 System Of A Down – Aerials

Never has the line between female, male and alien been blurred by a piece of footage as when this video came out. What the fuck is it about, really? What is that thing? Is he an alien? Is he a she? I don’t get it, is he/she famous? Why is he sneaking upon S.O.A.D. playing? Is this some sort of Armenian metaphor I don’t understand?

Jesus Christ…

#5 Nirvana – Heart-Shaped Box

Kurt: I’m just gonna throw some ideas at you guys, tell me what you think
Dave: Alright (chewing gum)
Kurt: Skinny old guy in diapers, wearing a Santa hat, climbing a cross
Dave: Umm, okay
Kurt: Bam, he’s crucified. Then a fat lady covered in blood and having angel wings appears
Dave: Keep going
Kurt: Then a big heart with lights in it, some hospital scenes, etc…
Dave: Okay but what are you talking about?
Kurt: I don’t know…

The second video in our top to have “Heart-Shaped” in its name. Awesome piece of trivia.

Anyways, if you do ‘shrooms and brainstorm ideas, you’re likely to come up with a video like this one. It makes absolutely 0 sense, it has nothing relevant to anything and it’s just a series of random ideas someone prolly thought of while sniffing glue.

#4 Muse – New Born

Muse is known for extremely pretentious imagery and sounds, and that’s just their live shows. Their videos are even worse, somehow I think the whole Top 10 should be just their videos, but since I had to pick just one, I had to go with “New Born.” It has WTF written all over it.

So three light balls travel around, some weird kid is wearing lipstick, a crowd appears, Muse is performing on the walls, defying gravity. That’s pretty much it. I quite like the song if I’m honest, but the video is just awful. Sorry, guys.

#3 Smashing Pumpkins – Tonight, Tonight

Director: I think we should do a pretentious video for this song
Billy: Like what?
Director: How about we rip off a silent film from beginning of the 20th century?
Billy: Huh?
Director: Ever heard of Georges Méliès?
Billy: No
Director: Me neither, but I read about him in some book. I have no other idea so let’s just go with that one.
Billy: OK

This video is just extremely stupid. Everyone’s on clouds, that flying thing is against all laws of gravity, the whole thing is basically an insult to science and to common sense and taste. I don’t even know what else to add.

#2 The Verve – Bitter Sweet Symphony

Manager: Okay guys so, we want a video for this song, what could it be?
Richard: Uhmm, how about I just walk down the street hitting anyone in my way
Manager: Really?? Is that even a good idea?
Richard: Yeah mate, it can be interpreted in a lot of ways
Manager: Like what ways?
Richard: Umm… It’s not gonna cost us anything
Manager: SOLD!

Seriously, what the hell is this video about? Why are people praising it? It’s just a video of a guy walking around on a conveniently empty sidewalk, except for a few people. What if the sidewalk ends, and there’s a big building there? Then what, tough guy? Are you gonna go through that building as well, like the Juggernaut? I think not, bitch. This video is just bitter, without any sweetness (he did not just say that, did he? Yes he did. OWNED)

#1 Guns N’ Roses – November Rain

Manager: Hey, your band is popular now, we should waste $1.5 mil on a new music video
Slash: Really? Why don’t we just give it to charity?
Manager: It will have you performing the solo near a church, and it will be filmed by a helicopter
Slash: Fuck yeah I’m in.

It’s what I presume the meeting sounded like when they pitched this. So the video is basically about Axl‘s wedding to some bimbo. They talk in a bar, whatever, then on the day of the wedding, Slash is the best man (irony ftmfw). He forgot the ring though, shit… Oh wait, some other dude has it on his pinky. Day saved.

gets married, Slash walks out in a rage. As he walks out, his guitar magically appears as he exists the church and the solo starts. Helicopter shot. Then (november) rain hits the wedding, everyone hides, blah blah.

Axl‘s wife is dead. Wait, what? Axl wakes up from a dream. Was it all a dream? No wait, he’s still at the funeral. This doesn’t make any fucking sense, whatsofuckingever.

Slash doing a solo while standing on a piano? Check.
A shot of a statue of Jesus crying blood? Check.
Bloody awful and pretentious video? Check.
Solid fucking #1.

So there you have it, folks. Top 10 most pretentious videos, which aren’t metal. Metal version next Friday. Cancel all your plans, we’re fucking taking up your whole weekends, bitch!

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