Metal posers

Posers. They’re everywhere. However, nothing gets my blood boiling more than “metal posers,” and by that I mean, of course, people who pretend they listen to metal just to seem cool.

And for the record, I used a Guitar Hero picture just because it’s the perfect embodiment of posing – geeks thinking they can actually play instruments. I have nothing against the game per se, I think it’s a fun game for regular people and musicians alike, but some of those people who do ok in the game think they can actually play guitar, and that pisses me off.

So my rant is about posers, read after the jump, it’s not gonna be too short.

I have a theory about musical tastes. They don’t just come and go or change overnight. They last a lifetime. Of course, some of the shit you’ve been listening to as a kid or a teenager may seem awful now, as an adult, so growing up means maturing, and that also has an effect on the music you listen to. So I’m not talking about liking Linkin Park at age 13 and then at 23 realizing they’re shit. I’m talking about listening to techno music in 2009 and wearing a Pantera shirt in 2010. That’s what annoys me.

I have a few friends or acquaintances I’ll use as examples, just cause it’s easier for me to talk shit and judge examine guys I actually know well, as opposed to just generalizing. I will, of course, refrain from posting their actual names, so you’re safe for now, posers!

Subject #1 – The middle-aged snob —
#1 is a friend of my dad’s, actually, but I spent some time with him getting angry over his bullshit debating different bands and their worth and I just can’t reason with him. He’s in his mid 40s, never played any instruments, but he’s a massive AC/DC fan and he refuses to acknowledge any other band other than AC/DC and a few other old ones. Everything else is shit, according to him.

He takes it up a notch, though. No matter what musician you show him, his response will be “He’s not better than <insert AC/DC member here>” — I showed him that video of Michael Angelo Batio doing the double guitar solo, his response was “He doesn’t even come close to Angus.”

I understand that a certain group of musicians are in “legend” territory and you shouldn’t dispute their accomplishments and yes, AC/DC is up there, but just comparing everything to them and then saying “it’s not even close,” come on. I dare you to discuss music with this guy and not want to break his face after the first 3 minutes. So he’s not a ‘music changing’ poser per se, just a very annoying motherfucker who in my opinion, deserves to make the list.

Subject #2 – The grieving poser —
#2 is a friend of mine who’s always liked this sort of music. So he’s not a total poser, just a small to medium sized one. Why? Cause I kept trying to get him into Pantera all the time, and he just didn’t like it. Fair play, but then he kept joking about Dimebag being an awful guitar player, etc… Does this make him a poser? No. But then Dimebag died. And guess who was sad and crying over Dime? Him. He had him in his avatars online, he started wearing Pantera shirts, and when he finally told me “Dude, we lost a legend” I finally snapped.

– I know, dude, but you hated Pantera
– I never did, man, I’ve always loved them
– Are you kidding me?
– No man… Dimebag was a GOD!

To this day he claims he’s been a Pantera fan for a long long time. What the fuck? When Ronnie James Dio died I knew we had lost a legend, but I was never a huge fan of his so why start pretending to be after he died? Makes no sense. Why can’t you acknowledge a legend and pay your respects without claiming you were a huge fan?

Subject #3 – Shit music today, good music tomorrow —
#3 is a friend of mine who was never into this sort of music. He was a rapper. You know the type, white guy, baggy clothes, trying to look black, the whole nine yards. Favorite rapper? Eminem. He actually told me a million times how rap is amazing and a proper genre of music which is way better than rock, where they just scream, etc… I never agreed, but hey, to each his own. I don’t judge a person by the type of music he listens to, or try not to, anyway, but when you change genres in a matter of days, that’s when I have a problem…

So one day I see this guy in a Dimmu Borgir shirt. I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. It was his favorite band now. I had to ask…

– How do you go from Eminem to Dimmu Borgir?
– I’ve always liked rock, man
– And how did Eminem fit into that whole thing?
– I’ve been a Dimmu fan for a long, long time…
– But didn’t you used to make fun of metal music just because I liked it?
– Nah, that wasn’t me, I was always a metalhead, I just also liked rap

So on top of changing his musical tastes overnight, now he’s not even admitting the shit he’d been listening to earlier. Brilliant.

Subject #4 – The overdressed metalhead —
#4 is not really based on a single friend, but actually based on a group of people I know who I swear to fucking God, changed their whole look overnight. Together.  From a normal group of guys and girls who listened to grunge or whatever, they became ‘The Goth Bunch’… Leather shit, mascara, those awful spiked wristbands, everything… I have no idea how they came up with that shit and agreed to do it, all at once. Were they playing a game?

So I run into them on the street, they were walking together, and for a second I thought I was in the Matrix and there was a glitch because the Agents were coming to get me, or something. So after I check the back of my head for plugs, I talk to them… I’m speechless, and they’re fucking acting like nothing happened.

First of all, why do you have to look like Edward Scissorhands just because you like a certain type of music? Why can’t you just wear normal shit? Why do you have to say “LOOK AT ME, I’M GOTH” with your clothing? Why not try to fit in with the rest of the fucking world? Oh, I know why, cause being different is cool, but all these posers look alike anyway so where does the ‘different’ part come in?

Secondly, how can you go from Nirvana to goth in a matter of days? And how do you synchronize this with your fellow buddies? I’ve never been in a situation where I’m telling my friends “I know what, let’s just drop everything we’re wearing right now and buy leather shit!” — How does this happen?

Subject #5 – The guitar noob — Although to some, #5 may not seem all that bad, to me, he’s the most sinful of them all. I’m willing to bet you all know a guy or two like this one… The fucking guitar posing noob.

You know this loser. He bought a guitar, a cheap one of course, but mainly just to take photos of himself with it and posting them on Facebook. You know the photos, him smoking and holding an E chord, black and white, etc… Yeah right Cobain, I’m really impressed. He’s the same dude who learns the intro to a song and then claims to “have learned the whole song” and that it was “easy.”

You recognize his playing immediately. He’ll manage to fuck up even something simple, like Smoke on the Water, and you recognize his lack of skills by the extended, wiggling pinky on his fretting hand.

Don’t get me wrong… I am all for everyone buying a guitar and learning to play it. I actually applaud you if you do that. But please, learn the instrument first, then take photos.

I need to get new friends.

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