Category Archives: Crap

14
May

14 minutes and 41 seconds of fame

What you have a chance to see right now is Vegan Black Metal Chef. Yes, this guy’s into black metal and he’s also vegan. So he combined his love for cooking and his love for makeup “brutal” “music.” Yeah, the blood he uses when he goes heavy on the corspe paint is 100% organic ketchup. Not black metal enough, because we all know black metalheads only use fresh lamb blood, but we’ll let this one slide for the lulz. The video just went over 500.000 (half a million for you slow people) views, so it’s officially viral, and trendwhores we are, we have to report on it.

I’ll be honest — I actually laughed, especially when he pulled out the knife to cut the tofu, but soon after that I lost interest. Why? Well, the clip is almost 15 minutes long, which is 13.5 minutes too long. Not that I don’t love me some black metal, and I see this picking up some followers, even though it’s just a metal (good) but very cheaper (bad) version of Epic Meal Time. Epic on the internet isn’t equal to epic in the hobbit land, which this guy clearly confused, and I honestly don’t see this working for other than one or two more episodes. But who knows, he could do guests. Celebrity Vegan Black Metal Chef with Immortal, sounds good, right? Not to mention it would also be the first time they (Immortal) would appear in a decent quality video.


1
May

What if…

Papa Roach were chefs yo’

“cut my pie into pieces, this is my last dessert!
hot potatoes! No gravy, and chicken wings dont really sound that tasty!”

That would be totally dope, am I right y’all? I’m sorry, terrible joke, if you want someone to blame, I stole it from here.


29
Apr

Royal wedding special

TV, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, you name it. The media’s been infested today by the royal wedding so we have to jump on the bandwagon.

But there’s one member of the royal family that didn’t make his appearance at that godforsaken wedding. His name is KERRY KING and thou shalt bow down to him.

Make the jump, mortal.


4
Apr

Invisible Guitar Hero championship

Air Guitar

Here’s a guitar playing event made for people like me. When I say people like me, I mean people who can’t play the real guitar, and what’s even worse, suck at Guitar Hero as well. So, what is it? It’s the Air Guitar Championship! If you’re in Milwaukee this summer, be sure to check it out.

“U.S. Air Guitar is devoted to taking our nation’s unofficial pastime out of the bedroom and putting it up on the world stage,” said the World Air Guitar Association in a statement this week.

It will all go down on June 8 at 8 p.m., with advance tickets going on sale for $10 on April 8 and costing $12 on event day.

Don’t be fooled, though, just because there’s no real guitar involved, doesn’t mean it doesn’t take talent. It takes a lot of invisible talent. And if you’ve always wanted to impress some invisible chicks, this is your chance. Make the jump to see a video of the current air guitar champion.


3
Apr

Hannah Montana goes Metal

I don’t really know what the fuck this is. Am I still drunk? Have I slipped into some insane hallucination after drinking too much absinthe? Or maybe this is one of those wet dreams, because I can now legally fancy Miley Cyrus. Fuck knows.

Regardless, Metal Hammer recently posted some live video of Miley Cyrus with a backing instrumental that wouldn’t sound out of place in a Testament song. Is it good? No, it sounds like shit. That’s why I just muted it and played sleeping beauty instead.


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