Machine Head threaten to ruin my birthday

When it comes to Machine Head, I’m like the girl who puts up with years of physical and emotional abuse because she knows that, deep down, he’s the same man she fell in love with during that amazing summer they shared like 20 years ago.   Because I’m still hoping for 1994 Robb Flynn to sweep me off my feet and tell me everything is going to be OK, I always try to see Machine Head when they come to my city.  So it goes without saying that I was excited to see this on Blabbermouth the other day:

San Francisco Bay Area metallers Machine Head will embark on a North American headlining tour…

Hey, they’re coming to town on my birthday!  Sweet!  Wait… what was the rest of that press release?

…with support from Suicide Silence, Darkest Hour and Rise To Remain.

Shit.  I didn’t see that coming.  Let’s see what we’re working with here (after the jump).

I’ve never heard of Rise to Remain, so I’ll just check them out on Facebook.

Jesus.  Just look at these assholes.  Chances of liking this band currently hovering at around 0%.

Since I have an open mind and always never judge a book by its cover, let’s have a listen.


Look fellas, this kind of extortion might work with your Euro fans, but here in America we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

There’s no way I’m going to embarrass myself on Facebook by “Liking” your band.   You just lost a potential fan that was never going to pay for your music, purchase you merch, or support your band in any way whatsoever.   Nice marketing plan!   Next.


[Imagine a picture of Darkest Hour here]

This band is so boring I couldn’t be bothered to Google an image.

A lot of people seem to like Darkest Hour, and I guess they are good at what they do:  write music that is not interesting enough for me to care about it, but not ridiculous enough for me to mock.  In other words, a complete waste of what precious little time I have on this Earth.   I’ll probably just hang out at the bar during their set and stalk all the hot metal chicks in line to sleep with Mitch Lucker of Suicide Silence.


The only guy getting laid at this show.

Of the questionable bands on this bill, Suicide Silence has me the most intrigued.   I’m trying to figure out the underlying motive behind a Machine Head/Suicide Silence show.  Is Suicide Silence trying to earn cred with REAL metal fans, or is Machine Head trying to tap into the burgeoning jailbait market?  I like to think it’s the former, but I can’t quite shake the emotional scars that still remain from this:

The More Things Change… the more I change to fit in with how things have just recently changed.


I swear to God, Robb… If I come to this show on my birthday and see this:

We are fucking DONE… and I really mean it this time!

Don’t miss your chance to see Robb’s sick new gauges and buy some Machine Head hot pants for your newly acquired jailbait.  Check the dates!

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