Weak Recap: Second to none

Dose of Metal, the superhero of all metal blogs. We’re like Batman without the homosexual innuendos. Kicking ass, second to none. As you can see, we’re full of ourselves. It isn’t easy playing it down when you’re so awesome though. We’re super-awesome.

Moving on, we’re so full of ourselves that we’re taking turns interviewing each other because that’s what the world needs. The hero the metal world deserves.

Want to know what happened in the metal world this past week? Make the jump to read an interview between me and the mighty Alex about recent metal happenings.

Dose of Metal. Getting you excited for metal.


Guido: Good day, mister! How have you been doing this past week?
Alex: Shitty, as always. I hate this stupid site. AWESOME DUDE!

G: Last week, you had the honor of interviewing none other than me. Was it or wasn’t it just the best day of your life?
A: Interviewing you was a bit like getting fisted by the Hulk. So yeah, definitely my best day ever.

G: The week started off with musicians kicking fans in the head. Thoughts?
A: Kicking fans in the head is wrong. Kicking a beach ball into a small girl however, that kicks ass.

G: Jerking off is almost as good as metal. How often is too often when it comes to polishing the pole?
A: I’d say until blood starts coming out.

G: According to some website named after fast food, we’re epic failures. Do you agree?
A: I can’t speak on behalf of everyone involved in this site, but you and I sure are. 🙁

G: I reviewed three albums this past Monday. Do you think anybody cares about what I write?
A: I’m pretty sure nobody does. But that never stopped Dave Mustaine, so why should it stop you?

G: I also reviewed Amon Amarth’s latest album ‘Surtur Rising.’ Do you think we, of Dose of Metal, will go to valhalla as well?
A: Valha-what? That sounds racist. Keep me out of it.

G: I heard that listening to Linkin Park makes you impotent. I’m sure you know more about that, care to elaborate?
A: Let me put it this way. When a girl comes over to my place, I’d feel less embarrassed about not getting it up than about her finding a LP CD around. But as your mom is my witness, neither would ever happen to me.

G: The Haunted’s Peter Dolving, who apparently likes cock, also likes his new album. Who else does though?
A: Who else likes cock? I’d say everyone reading this right now.

G: I just plugged an old interview I did over two months ago. Is our content that weak that I have to mention something that old in an article about current happenings?
A: Yeah, we’re pretty awful.

G: Frankie Sparcello of Exhorder died this past week. Any thoughts on that?
A: My thoughts are with his family, friends and fans. Not much else I can add, really. Way to ruin the mood, dumbo.

G: Lars Ulrich can’t play the drums so he turned into an actor. Is that better or worse than St. Anger?
A: Better. You can close your eyes but you can’t close your ears.

G: Why don’t you like kids?
A: They’re unfinished humans and they can’t play instruments properly. I’m just keeping it real.

G: Your recent Top 10 got us over a thousand of likes on Facebook. Did your ego grow so big that you’re going to leave Dose of Metal and join Metalsucks?
A: Yeah, they already picked the name James Hetfieldstein for me. I don’t know, I respect Metalsucks but they’re way too serious for me. They actually have something to say, whereas the only things I have to say are dick jokes and lame metal puns. I’d probably make them lose half their traffic if I wrote there. I’m stuck here, dammit. And my ego’s always been pretty big, if by ego you mean penis and by big you mean humongous. See what I mean?

G: Both Cavaleras got fat, probably trying to outpace Fear Factory for heaviest metal band. Is fat the new black?
A: Is fat the new black? Are we still talking about metal or about that one movie ‘Precious’?

G: Anything else you want to say to the people reading this right now?
A: Yeah. I pity you. #winning

About Guido

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