Friday Top 10: Heavy metal soap operas

Heavy metal. The genre which you’d think that uses fists and bad ass guitar show-offs to settle differences. Well, no luck there. Especially with the rise of the internet, following certain events makes you want to grab some popcorn, sit back and enjoy your daily dose of soap. Therefore, this week’s Top 10: Heavy metal soap operas.

Make the jump to read the Top 10.

Limp Bizkit and Wes Borland sitting in a tree

F.I.G.H.T.I.N.G.L.I.K.E.E.V.E.R.Y.F.E.W.Y.E.A.R.S. Back in 2001, Wes Borland left the band citing creative differences. Then, in late 2004, he came back. After the release of their “politically charged” EP The Unquestionable Truth Part 1 in 2005, the band did nothing, tensions rose, MySpace was used for emo wars, and he left again. Then, two years ago, he came back. Their new album, Flip Flop, is about to drop sometimes this year. Watch out, don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

Extra Extra: Dave Mustaine used to be in Metallica

This little kid that can barely speak just ran over to me and told me this. You know, because even kids that barely speak know this story. Next!


Nightwish are a heavy metal symphonic soap opera band. That should be an official genre. For the few readers out there that get a kick out of women who look like giant vampires, or bands that sound kinda bad, I’ve included this entry, to remember the moment when Tarja left them via a written letter after the last show of their tour back in 2000-something. I have no idea what happened after that, I just wanted to use the opportunity to call them Nightfish.

Which Anthrax singer?

We know, this joke just never gets old. Anthrax are the metal version of a soap opera that changes their actors in main roles way too often. So, when it comes to the leading role: first it was Neil Turbin, then it was Matt Fallon, then it was Joey Belladonna, then it was John Bush, then it was Joey Belladonna, then it was Dan Nelson, then it was John Bush, then it was Joey Belladonna… You get the point.

Some kind of documentary

Calling Some Kind of Monster a documentary is not really fair, it’s more like, “Some kind of video that shatters any illusions you might have had that these guys function as a band and that there’s any magic left.” It fits the standards of this post, though, because there was plenty drama shown, from Lars having daddy issues after his dad said he didn’t like his intro to the album (aaaw) to that small instance when Kirk found his balls somewhere deep, deep inside him and wanted to say something about solos, but decided it’s better to crawl back to the corner and do what he’s told.

Black Sabbath to make new album?

This is the new Chinese Democracy. Every few year when Ozzy gets enough strength to stand up out of his chair and reach someone’s microphone, he stirs rumors about a Black Sabbath reunion and the “new album.” Then he uses the remaining power to shoot a few commercials before going into a coma where he makes a new solo album. Does anyone really care about this any more? My opinion: t’s never gonna happen. Simple as, they missed that train more than ten years ago. More importantly, does anyone really care at this point?

Dream Theater

More like, Dream Soap Opera! Yeah, the joke sucks and fuck you too. But let’s go back and see what made Mike Portnoy the target of my weak humor. First, he was invited to work and tour with Avenged Sevenfold after the death of their drummer The Rev (R.I.P. and people say he was a solid drummer, but what the hell is “The Rev”?); Mike accepted and apparently liked it so much that he decided to put Dream Theater on stand-by. So the other guys kicked him out. Ouch. Then Avenged Sevenfold kicked him out. Ouch. Then he started crying and wanted to go back to Dream Theater, but they said “Oh hells no bitch you done fucked up.” Ouch ouch ouch. Of course, the funniest (or most pathetic) thing about this is that Mike kept a public journal with a “Dear Diary” entry every time someone broke his sweet 16-year-old heart.

Which Fear Factory?

Fear Factory know their drama much better than they know their band members. Recap: After the release of Digimortal, and the commercial and critical failure to keep up with the past released, Dino Cazares started building tensions with Burton C. Reynolds. This escalated in the demise of the band, and a lot of badmouthing followed. The other half of the band, Christian and Raymond, started doing a project of their own, and reached out to Burton C. Reynold with the material they did. He was happy with it, so the band decided to reform, with Christian on guitars, and newly recruited Byron Stroud (of Strapping Young Lad) on bass. A solid effort, Archetype followed.

Soon after that another release – Transgression – followed, but was a complete flop (which the band members admit themselves). So, the band started fading out into non-existence, right until Burton decided to patch up his differences with Dino, and make new ones with Christian and Raymond – which he kicked out of the band to introduce Dino Back and give a spot on the drum-set to Gene Hoglan. Apparently, there is an “ongoing” (there weren’t much news about this situation recently) lawsuit regarding the name of the band (all four original members are legally a part of Fear Factory, Inc). Don’t get us wrong, we love Mechanize, and we love the new line-up just as much as the old, but seriously, was it necessary for the whole world to know when each of the band members farted and who got angry by that? And the funniest thing, all the drama, and no word on what officially happened. I mean, it’s clear that the new Fear Factory is hear to stay, well that is until Dino and Burton start fighting over wardrobe (there’s a rumor Dino took Burt’s favorite shirt and made it XXX-Large), but whatever happened to Christian and Raymond? Did they get their (deserved) bag of money? Will Burton run back to them after he’s out of clothes and/or food?

Will there be a Sepultura reunion?

Oh god, I’d rather get punched in the face then write this entry, but I’m too big of a pussy to do it myself. So… Max Cavalera left Sepultura after management issues arose between the three other band members (other than him) and their manager (and Max’s wife) Gloria. He took the side of his wife, left the band, decided not to speak with his brother, and for ten year he couldn’t stop talking about how there will never be a Sepultura reunion and how Soulfly was the shit, yo.

A few years back, he had a change of heart, reconciled with his brother, and turned the story by 180 degrees. Now he’s all about Sepultura and he’s using each and every moment when he’s not remaking the blueprint post-nu metal Soulfly album to talk about how Sepultura reunion would be awesome “for the fans.” Well, speaking as a fan, I couldn’t give less of a fuck. Actually, I’d rather have a good actual band than a few live shows and an album done by Max.

Chinese Despotism

For a little while, it actually felt like democracy was going to come to China sooner then this Guns ‘N Roses album was to hit the store shelves. But in November 2008 (was it raining that day?) it actually happened — the album saw the day of light. When it comes to heavy metal soap operas, Guns N’ Roses are the equivalent of “The Young and the Restless,” it’s just going on and on and on, and with recent events like Duff joining Axl on stage and the “buzz” about a reunion that followed (aka Steven Adler and three people he payed to comment on it on Blabbermouth), we predict 10 years of drama before anything actually gets a small chance of happening.

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