Weak Recap: We be recappin’

Last week, poor Simo had to do the weak recap all by himself, which is very reminiscent of his sex life (or mine).

But don’t worry, this week Alex comes to the rescue and interviews him. Are we gonna gay it up? Yes we are.

Make the jump and see just what happened last week, and how badly did we cover it with our shitty writing?

By the way, that’s a photo of my girlfriend above. I know she’s not a looker, but she has an awesome personality.

Simo when he was 5 (yesterday)

Alex: So Simo, how’s bachelor life treating you? By that I mean, how sore is your palm?

Simo: Meh, it’s okay. Wanted to try something new and exciting so I’m trying out my left hand.

Alex: Speaking of jerking off, let’s start with something/someone no one can jerk off to — Lady Gaga. Why are we still writing about her/him/it?

Simo: Because we’re trying hard to sell out, but seems no one’s buying. I think it’s time for a Justin Bieber column on this website. We can call it “You say Justin Bieber, I say…” and then name random bands. The 13-year-old metalhead YouTube commenters are gonna love it!

Alex: And speaking of writing, why are people still writing books about Metallica? I get it, they’re a big band, who gives a fuck what some guy who’s not in the band has to say about them?

Simo: I only read porn star autobiographies, so I really can’t tell.

Alex: I don’t know if you like Slipknot or knot (see what I did there? ROFLMAOCOPTER!!!111), but they won’t be releasing any new material just yet. Phe-fucking-ew. Comments?

Simo: I honestly don’t care anymore. Even if they make an album it’ll most likely be forced out shit. Get it, forced, out, shit… I need to take a crap.

Alex: You wrote a Tuesday Trivia about Will Smith. How did his ears fit your image? — NOT RACIST!

Simo: That’s whack! Leave Will alone.

Alex: John 5 is alive! If you get that reference, you get as much sex as I do, which is zero. Anyway, am I lame(r) for actually wanting to hear his whole cover?

Simo: No, I actually want to hear it myself. I listened to two of his solo albums before and he’s a skilled musician, so it’ll probably be more interesting than whatever he’s done with Rob Zombie lately.

Alex: Do you like Michael Jackson’s music?

Simo: Well, I know a few people who took the time to learn how to moon-dance because of his music, so I can’t say I’m a huge fan as them (or completely retarded for that matter), but I can listen to it.

Alex: Is he died?

Simo: Yeah, he’s died.

Alex: Old people. Do we need them, aside from the sex?

Simo: Sure, who would we laugh at otherwise.

Alex: Marilyn Manson is still around. Who is he and why is he on camera? And how can a camera lens not crack when filming his face? And how come I am so amazing?

Simo: Marilyn Manson is that guy who tries way too hard to come across as intelligent. Sort of like the opposite of us. We both fail, so the joke’s on him. And if I knew the secret to your amazingness, my girlfriend wouldn’t be a sock.

Alex: So not only can Richie Londres take a joke, he can actually be a great interviewee. Was it fun writing that interview?

Simo: It was fun, but not as half of the fun I had reading his answers. Truly a nice, funny and well spoken guy. He should write for this site instead of us.

Alex: Congrats for the interview, by the way, definitely one of our best — no thanks to you, but it’s the thought that counts.

Simo: Yeah, yeah. Why don’t you marry Richie if you think he’s so much better than me. Oh snap.

Alex: The world is safe. Another internet troll is locked away and can’t hurt any other blog/site. He also likes Megadeth.

Simo: I don’t know what’s worse.

Alex: Metallica are playing private gigs nowadays. Should we hire them for DoM’s birthday?

Simo: Only if they bring the other three and Kerry King kisses James on the lips. Hot.

Alex: I wonder how much they cost. Or do we just throw in some paintings, mascara, live pigs and U.S. citizenship? That’s not racist unless I name which member needs the visa.

Simo: Haha. I can’t really think of anything witty to say without spoiling it for Marilyn Manson.

Alex: I wrote a half-assed Top 10 this Friday. But those clips are pretty amazing, right? Do you ever watch them?

Simo: The clips were awesome, and sure I love watching live shows. Only if they’re not filmed by the audience, though. Also, South America FTW.

Alex: And finally,  Joey Belladonna seems to have some beef with his co-Anthraxers (I know it’s not a word, sue me). Do you think it’s healthy for him to say these things in public?

Simo: Well, they gotta split up over something, I think his sell-by-date is expiring in about 8 days or so anyway.

Alex: Anything else before I close this article which no one will ever read?

Simo: I just farted.

Alex: Bye yo!

Simo: Peace out.

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