11
Sep

Weak Recap: Overdose impossible

It’s not possible to overdose on metal. That is a fact but it’s a class a drug which turns you into a junkie quite fast. You started with weak drugs like alcohol, cannabis or Slipknot but after a while you can only get high on cocaine, Cannibal Corpse, the heavy shit.

And we here at Dose of Metal are your dealers. We don’t even charge you for your daily dose of metal. We love this drug so much that we’re giving it away for fucking free. It’s impossible to overdose, so you might as well get high all day, everyday.

We have been dealing out metal for a full year now and we won’t stop until the whole world is addicted because, let’s face it, there is nothing better. For a little taste of our product, make the jump where I talk my fellow dealers about the past week and our greatest deals.

Gay syringes.

Guido: Anybody stoned? I’m high on Torture Killer right now.
Simo: How metal are Rammstein? It’s all I’ve been taking this week.
Alex: If you think you’re stoned now, try taking your sexuality to the middle east, see what ‘getting stoned’ means then, hotshot.

Guido: Do you think my intro was too cheesy? I have a feeling like I’ve gone a bit too far with the drug references.
Simo: Nothing wrong with drug references.
Alex: I’m just scared kids might be reading this and getting the wrong idea about drugs. I mean, maybe they’ll actually think listening to metal is a real drug. That worries me, I want them to do proper drugs like cocaine and heroin. Hopefully they know better…

Guido: Early this week Google celebrated Freddy Mercury’s birthday. Did you guys catch the video? I thought it was pretty sweet.
Simo: Yes I did, and yes it was.
Alex: Who?

Guido: What do you think, should Dream Theater take Portnoy back?
Simo: I don’t think they ever would, only if they start making horrible albums and start losing audience numbers, then they can play the reunion card. But hey, who gives a shit?
Alex: They probably should, he was a big part of that band. But whether or not they do it, I don’t know/care. I just hope Petrucci will finally get an adult-sized guitar strap.

Guido: And what about Tom Morello, should the strip club take him back?
Simo: Hahaha. Didn’t they (Rage Against the Machine) also did some protest by taking the stage completely naked that one time? This calls for some more thorough investigation.
Alex: Unfortunately I remember seeing that photo. “Bulls on parade”? I think not.

Guido: Are Godsmack fans stupid?
Simo: I wish all the other fans were as stupid so we’d get a few thousand Facebook likes daily. Godsmack fans own <3
Alex: Don’t insult Godsmack fans. Life insulted them already.

Guido: If you could smack god, would you?
Simo: I be smacking god like a dog. Rage reference, bitches, how tight is that?
Alex: Cockslap would be the right term, but yes.

Guido: If there was a god, would you smack him?
Simo: Sure, I’d only need to figure out a way to climb up to heaven.
Alex: Cockslap would be the right term, but.. oh snap, I see what you did there. You’re clever, you.

Guido: If there was a god, Godsmack wouldn’t exist, right?
Simo: Yeah, and my dick would be twice as big, but you don’t hear me complaining. Only silently weeping in my bed.
Alex: I don’t know, it goes both ways (kind of like that dude in Green Day). Maybe God does exist, and he just put Godsmack out for our amusement. One look at Sully Erna and you know something, somewhere made that dude exist to be laughed at.

Guido: Hey, I reviewed Anthrax’s new album. Did you guys read it?
Simo: Yes, and it was pretty fucking awesome. Happy?
Alex: Yes, I did read it. It was pretty good. Short and to the point. Kind of like my dick.

Guido: And hey, Alex interviewed Maddox. I read that and have to give a thumb up to Alex’s great questions! You can’t see it but I’m giving you a thumb up right now.
Simo: Hey I give it a thumb up as well. What are you going to do with your two thumbs up, Alex?
Alex: Lube em up and stick them where it hurts the most…

Guido: davemustainekilledtupac.com. I did not see that coming, I just can’t understand it. “Here is something you can’t understand, Dave Mustaine killed Tupac, man”! Even Cypress Hill knew!
Simo: It must be rap’s best kept secret. Can’t wait for the new ‘Pac album to shed some more light on this.
Alex: I find that highly unlikely, unless Tupac made a sly comment about Metallica being better or something.

Guido: Alex wrote a Top 10 about our most read articles but I don’t really think our target audience knows how to read. I’m pretty sure most of them are just scrolling down right now to find a nude pic of Lars Ulrich. What do you think?
Simo: Either that, or they listen to Godsmack.
Alex: I think our target audience knows how to read just fine. As far as getting laid goes, well, different story. (fucking nerds)

Guido: Was there something else that happened and we should talk about? Hmm… oh, we published our 2,000th post. On our birthday. Coincidence?
Simo: I didn’t plan anything. Could this be God’s work?
Alex: Nope Simo, not my work. Just a lucky coincidence. We did post way more a few days prior to that… I wonder why. *hint* *hint*

Guido: What was your personal highlight in our first year?
Simo: Can I have three highlighs? Oh fuck it, I can: the interview with Jono Bacon, simply because it was my first, the one with Barney simply because he’s an awesome guy and I love Napalm Death, and the one with Richie from Sol Invicto because of how the whole thing came about.
Alex: I was really proud of my David Ellefson interview, the way this site came about, I didn’t even know we’d last a month, and then here I was, a few months later, interviewing Megadeth’s bassist. But I have to say, I’m just proud of our work overall, can’t really single out a single thing, cause I read the site daily (obviously) and I do laugh quite a bit, and it’s awesome that we put this together and still write funny stuff a full year later.

Guido: Is there any band that we’ve forgotten to write about this whole time?
Simo: Crazy Town?
Alex: I doubt it, I’m pretty sure we’ve written about 99% of all the important bands out there, and that’s quite something. Our tag list looks like a directory of all the bands out there. I know, patting ourselves on the back again, but it’s true.

Guido: Alex, when is your Lady Gaga interview coming?
Simo: Yeah Alex, you promised it like ages ago.
Alex: As soon as I find a subtle way of asking her how big her penis is.

Guido: And Simo, when will we see our first Tuesday Trivia about sexual preferences of musicians?
Simo: Hmmmm. I need to do some field work first.
Alex: Sounds like Simo’s about to take one (or two, or three) for the team. Rob Halford is already arranging a Barry White playlist.

Guido: In this upcoming 2nd year of the dose, what don’t you want to see happen?
Simo: Linkin Park.
Alex: Become even more awesome. Then the universe would just implode from all the amazingness.

Guido: Any last words?
Simo: Goodbye!
Alex: Thanks to both of you for writing for the site, and to Mark and the other writers who keep this shithole going. Here’s to another year of being metal’s amateur stand-up comics.

Guido: Goodbye!
Simo: Sucka.
Alex: Have a pleasant evening, thanks for having me here and may Satan have mercy on your tiny asshole.


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