Weak Recap: Taking it to another level

In last week’s edition of the Weak Recap, we decided to change things up a little. So Alex decided to wear a different hat, Guido changed his name to Bill, and I spent the entire interview hopping up and down on a pogo stick. For anyone who was lucky enough to witness it, they experienced one of the greatest feelings you can possibly feel, next to sex.

No, what really went down is we had the genius idea of doing what we already do (one of us interviews one of the other members of the team regarding the past week’s news) and instead added an extra person to the mix. It was like one huge orgy and a good time was had by all.

So how are we going to step things up this week? Well we’re taking it to a whole new level, I’m talking about the next level. No, ok, we’re just going to do the same thing, but it’ll be awesome, I promise.

Make the jump for this week’s Weak Recap, with myself (Mark) interviewing both Guido and Alex.

Alex and Guido enjoying the sun.

Mark: Evening dicks, how’s the balls hanging? All good in the hood? Shizzle ma nizzle?
Alex: I’m doing pretty well but I doubt Guido is too happy. It’s an unfair world for people of different sexualities. 🙁
Guido: Did Alex just call me a woman? At least this woman has bigger balls than you’ll ever have.

Mark: No, but seriously, how are you guys? I’m sure no one reading this cares, but manners cost nothing right?
Alex: I’m pretty good actually. About to see Judas Priest tonight, which is pretty exciting. I did buy the ticket when I heard it was their farewell tour. I got owned.
Guido: I’m doing ok. Got drunk yesterday and now my back hurts and I don’t know why. I guess, I’m just getting old.

Mark: So the first post of the week was from myself (because I’m awesome) and was regarding Slipknot’s come back shows, in tribute to the late Paul Grey. What are your thoughts on the shows?
Alex: I haven’t been to any of their shows so I wouldn’t know. I’m not a bit Slipknot fan, but I think it’s cool that they’re using their old masks (the new one sucked).
Guido: I too think that using their old masks was pretty cool. Corey Taylor sounded horrible from what I’ve heard though.

Mark: Guido, you turned teacher on our asses and gave us a history lesson on True Norwegian Black Metal, by, well, showing us the documentary of the same name. What’s the best example album of “True Norwegian Black Metal” though? Alex, I know you’re more into Synth Pop, so feel free to fill this space with something else.
Alex: I’m into Synth Pop? Guido’s dad was in Modern Talking. I’m more of a Culture Club guy myself. Fuck you.
Guido: Random fun fact: My dad actually has the same name one of the Modern Talking guys has. But anywho, best example album of True Norwegian Black Metal? Mayhem’s De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas springs to mind, especially because of the making of the album and Euronymous’ death.

Mark: As well as Guido’s rant on Black Metal, you also informed us of why Metallica still Kick ass, Alex. Is Metallica’s album with Lou Reed going to kick ass or suck ass? Lou Reed seems to think it’s going to be the “best thing ever” according to a recent interview.
Alex: I’m not holding my breath. After Death Magnetic, I assumed they were gonna try to go as far back as possible in terms of sound. Guess I was wrong, huh? But they are releasing a separate studio album after this, so who knows?
Guido: I’m going to try to listen to it with an open mind but, just like Alex, I’m not holding my breath.

Mark: Evanescence are going to smack you in the face. Thoughts?

Alex: I’d like to smack the lead singer in the face with my unit. I don’t know who’s singing in Evanescence these day, but still…
Guido: Mustache!

Mark: iwrotealongquestionaboutabsolutelyfuckallonce. Are these jokes still as lame as they ever were?
Alex: Definitely still lame. And I should know, iwrotethefirstarticleaboutthisband on the site.
Guido: Just as lame as the band so it fits.

Mark: Chris found his future son on Youtube. That’s a little creepy right? I think child snatching is illegal, even if they are Pantera fans.
Alex: Child snatching sounds illegal, but it shouldn’t be.
Guido: Snatch is a great film… wait, what are we talking about?

Mark: In other news, it seems Mike Portnoy may have been reading Dose of Metal. Did his cool factor just go up by a hundred?
Alex: His cool factor? Definitely. Our cool factor? Nah, it dropped by a couple of thousands.
Guido: 400 years ago, Mike Portnoy would have been a pirate called Bluebeard who left his ships and crews behind all the time.

Mark: In more uninteresting news of the week, Trivium released a new song. Did you check it out or were you to busy having a life?
Alex: If I want bad Metallica covers, I listen to Death Magnetic.
Guido: I never liked Trivium but I’m listening to the song right now for the sake of this article. Is Matt Heafy actually growling on that song? Doesn’t sound too bad but I doubt I’m going to listen to this song ever again.

Mark: Wimbledon is gay, right?
Alex: Stop making fun of Guido, dammit.
Guido: I’m going John McEnroe on your ass!

Mark: Disturbed are writing music for themselves. Do you think there’s any chance they could keep it to themselves?
Alex: Hopefully. One of the pros of the music industry going down the drain is not having to listen to a new Disturbed album.
Guido: Ooh-wah-ah-ah-ah!

Mark: Guido, you reviewed a couple of albums this week. First Vastum’s debut album and then The Cleansing’s second album. Describe these reviews in seven words, no more, no less.
Alex: Shit (x7)
Guido: Guido writes the best shit, you tool!

Mark: Staind have gone heavy (musically, not Aaron Lewis’ weight). Did you laugh?
Alex: I did laugh, thank you for asking.
Guido: I still have a soft spot for the guy because the motherfucker can sing but his band is crap. The song actually sounds extremely crappy. As expected. Someone get Aaron into a good band please.

Mark: Munky of Korn fame has revealed a song from his new side project featuring Billy Gould and a bunch of guys I couldn’t care less about. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much does the song suck? (10 being ‘it sucks more than prostitute on speed and 1 being ‘Mark you’re stupid, it doesn’t suck at all’)
Alex: I’d say 11 (10 + 1). Because it does suck more than a prostitute on speed, but Mark, you’re also pretty stupid. PWND.
Guido: 69.

Mark: This week’s Dose of Metal was Hate Eternal. Does anyone even read these?
Alex: I sure don’t. But I do read my friend Alan’s Facebook wall posts. Funny thing about Alan is, his wife just left him, so that’s pretty funny.
Guido: I do read them because I always want to write some myself but never get around to it. And if I can think of something, you’ve usually already posted one. Can’t fault you on Hate Eternal though so it’s hard to hate.

Mark: Finally, there’s some exhibition going on in Birmingham, UK celebrating the West Midlands area as the “Home of Metal”, thanks to bands such as Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Judas Priest and Napalm Death hailing from the region. I don’t really have a question to hand though, so just make up a random answer to an imaginary question. Thanks.
Alex: Yes, very huge. About 9 inches. Sure, I could do porn, but I’m just too talented at other things to sink as low. Yes, I do have a certified ‘genius IQ.’ I do kick ass, indeed.
Guido: I actually took an IQ test a while ago and my computer just shut off during the first question. I don’t know what that means.

Mark: Any final words? No? Good, go away. You’ve made my evening wank that much harder (hard as in difficult not as in… never mind).
Alex: You dirty, dirty boy. I can see why Guido likes you.
Guido: Now, I’ve been called a woman and gay in this post and now you’re implying I like dirty boys. This Weak Recap sucked!

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