24
Jul

Weak Recap: Alex Dominates II

We’re back again, with another edition of our not-weak-at-all week recap – The Weak Recap (see what I did there?).

This week’s article is a sequel of sorts. Think big Hollywood blockbusters, well actually, to be honest. we’re more ‘S.Darko’ than ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2’ (although Harry Potter is gay anyways), or more ‘Dumb and Dumberer’ than ‘The Two Towers.’ So actually, it’s like one of those shitty straight to DVD sequels, but hey, shit sells and you’re still buying, right?

Why is this a sequel? Well, it seems Alex has been, more or less, dominating again because I’m too fucking lazy, and Guido probably has a life outside of the internet, or something.

Without further ado, I present to you this week’s Weak Recap. Now make the fucking jump, before I push you.

Alex getting his drumstick licked.

Mark: Hey gays guys, so how are you doing this week?
Guido: Don’t ask.
Alex: I’m pretty good, thank you. Guido’s answer implies he’s had a shitty week, so now I’m doing even better.

Mark: So Alex, how does it feel to dominate?
Guido: I’m not Alex.
Alex: It feels pretty good. Too bad it’s a lame blog and not a woman, though. 🙁

Mark: Does penis size matter?
Guido: If you have to question that, you’ve already lost.
Alex: Too big. Too small. Size does matter, after all. Zu gross, zu klein, Er könnte etwas größer sein.

Mark: Speaking of penis, St Anger is an album that sucks a whole lot of penis. The UK’s Classic Rock magazine interviewed Lars recently and asked him about the album’s suckiness (I think I just invented a new word). So come on, you guys are bigger ‘Tallica fans than me. What’s your take on the album?
Guido: I’m a bigger Metallica fan than you are? I’m not sure about that, but anyhow, some of the riffs on St. Anger are actually pretty good. And if they were used in completely different songs, I think the end result could have been way better. I think the band tried too hard to create something different, and they failed. They know it, their fans know it, no need to further discuss it, in my opinion.
Alex: Yeah, St. Anger is not a horrible album per se, it’s just atrocious by Metallica standards. It’s still better than anything nu-metal bands could pull off. They shouldn’t have cut the solos though. But like Guido said, the album failed because they tried hard to be different, but this has been discussed to death since the album’s been out for 8 years.

Mark: Guido, this week you reviewed Masada’s debut demo, a mere two track demo. Admit it, you chose that because you were feeling lazy, right? But in your defense, you also reviewed an album by Reckless Manslaughter, so I’ll let you off with a warning.
Guido: I had actually planned to post both reviews on the same day, because Masada’s demo was so short. In the end, I decided against it because I think, no matter how long or short an album is, every release deserves to get the same attention from us.
Alex: ^ I’m with stupid. ^

Mark: The Pestilence frontman wishes to beat up every user on Blabbermouth. Who would you beat up, if you could beat up anyone?
Guido: Jesus.
Alex: I’d beat up anyone who reads Blabbermouth comments and goes “He said what???? The motherfucker!!” — It’s the fucking internet. 90% of the kids talking shit on Blabbermouth are probably not old enough to grow pubic hair. Relax, for God’s sake.

Mark: Megadeth’s next album apparently will be a cross between Black Sabbath and Queens of the Stone Age, even though Dave has never really heard QOTSA. Makes sense, right? My next post on Dose of Metal will be a cross between Charles Dickens and Corey Taylor (seeing as he’s a writer now), with just a hint of Axl Rose. What about yours?
Guido: Varg Vikernes meets Elton John.
Alex: Mark meets Guido.

Mark: Speaking of Corey Taylor, he loves Justin Beiber, but hates Rebecca Black. What’s the difference between the two? And didn’t you find it better when Corey was that Neanderthal that ran around in a mask, screaming about people equaling to shit? Now he’s like a member of the Backstreet Boys or something.
Guido: I actually think less of Stone Sour than of the Backstreet Boys. Corey Taylor tried to sell himself as someone real and just now people start to realize how much of a product he is. At least with the Backstreet Boys, you knew from the very beginning that they were just a product to sell to teenage girls.
Alex: I actually agree that Justin Bieber has more talent than people give him credit for. I also never understood all the hate he got, he’s just a kid making music for other kids… Kind of like Corey.

Mark: And did you guys enter the competition to win Corey’s pyjamas? I imagine you’d want something that’s been close to his balls.
Guido: I only sleep wearing leather.
Alex: I only sleep in the nude.

Mark: In other fucking boring news this week, the Godsmack drummer allegedly denied receiving a blowjob from some 60 year old. Have you ever had to deny receiving a blowy, or some other form of sexual activity? Also, why do Godsmack still exist?
Guido: We write for a metal blog. We don’t deny having sex, we make up stories about having sex.
Alex: Yeah, I’d use every sex lie/rumor/story in my favor, cause it’s not happening any other way. *sad face*

Mark: So this week Alex dominated, and he dominated so hard, he decided to bring Tuesday Trivia back from its grave. It was all about the song ’44 Minutes’ from Megadeth’s last record, Endgame. How was it writing the Tuesday Trivia again, Alex? Guido, have you got an opinion? Other than something relating to food or porn, of course.
Guido: I’ve just watched Zombieland today for the fourth or fifth time and when someone mentions food, I can’t help but think of Twinkies. I’ve never had one in my life. I want one now.
Alex: I realized how much I missed that feature, I’ll try to write it more often.

Mark: Well this next news piece I haven’t heard before. Seems Nikki Sixx is still talking shit about Bret Michaels. I have just a couple of questions though… Who are Motley Crue? How do I get those gay little symbols? And what’s a Nikki?
Guido: öü, copy-and-paste. You’re welcome.
Alex: I like Bret as a person, I think he’s a nice guy and I’m pretty sure Nikki Sixx talks shit about him because he’s a nice guy. I really don’t care, though.

Mark: Megadeth’s ‘Peace Sells’ reissue sold only 2,000 copies in its opening week. A sign of the current industry, or is it just that no one can be fucked to buy the same album again, for double the price?
Guido: I’d rather buy the original so I wouldn’t have to read something Lars Ulrich wrote.
Mark: It was actually 1,800 copies, which is even worse. And I think it’s a mixture of both. No one buys albums anymore, much less old albums.

Mark: Apparently Dave Mustaine believes in fairies. Which is more believable; the existence of fairies or Dave getting some from that chick in high school?
Guido: I believe that chick was Jaymz.
Alex: The whole thing is ridiculous, you’d think Dave would be a bit less gullible after hearing some of the lyrics he writes. Religious people are lame.

Mark: And Alex, you “Rick Roll’d” us with your ‘new Megadeth song leaked’ post, but the joke’s on you, as I read the spoiler first. Do you think anyone fell for it?
Guido:
I think Alex fell for it.
Alex: I don’t know, I put that spoiler thing just so people know it was an intentional joke. I was afraid someone like Guido would actually think it’s the real deal.

Mark: So this week, Robb Flynn spoke about the new Machine Head album. I guess (I’m literally guessing, I didn’t read the post) he said something along the lines of it being the best, most epic and heaviest album yet, right? I quite liked the ‘bizarro world’ translation though. Wouldn’t it be refreshing if bands came out and said “yeah, you know what? The new album isn’t that good, it’s kind of the same old crap, just not as memorable or interesting”?
Guido: I understand that musicians do promo (including interviews) to sell their product, but I’d welcome some honesty.
Alex: I think I wrote an article once, about waiting for the day bands just talk honestly about their new release. Stop stealing my material, fucktards.

Mark: Guido, you’re a fan of Machine Head. Why do so many fans bitch about The Blackening? Alex, do you have an opinion?
Guido: Who bitches about The Blackening? Sorry but I haven’t found that many MH fans bitching about it. I think that it’s their greatest work so far, and I doubt Unto The Locust will be better.
Alex: I don’t really like Machine Head. They were also nu-metal at some point so, yeah.

Mark: Some people say I swear too much. Any motherfucking thoughts?
Guido: Fuck that.
Alex: Balls?

Mark: Speaking of motherfuckers, that motherfucker from Wolfmother got drunk at a bar in Australia whilst some local band was performing ‘Let It Be.’ He ran up to them, stole the mic, and started singing a drunken motherfucking rendition of that song, featuring altered lyrics like ‘Let it motherfucking be, yeah!’ — Then he got arrested. Aren’t there cooler ways to get arrested, like the ways the Coheed or QOTSA bassists used?
Guido: I agree with Mike Patton, even though it’s funny how he asked “What year are we in?” during an interview of him talking about his new project that features “60’s Italian music.”
Alex: There are cooler ways of getting arrested, one way involves chocolate, condoms and a school playground. But enough about Guido’s social life.

Mark: And the (more or less) final question: This week’s Friday Top 10 was done by Chris. It was about the best Soundgarden songs. What did you make of the Top 10, and did you agree with the list?
Guido: I’ve never been big on Soundgarden. I was more of a Nirvana guy myself, so I can’t really judge that.
Alex: Not really big on Soundgarden either. Not big on Nirvana, either. I’m only big on beer and pussy, to be honest. Unfortunately I have to pay for both so, fuck that.

Mark: That’s it for this week, any last words before I kill you both?
Guido: Ha, kill me? Give it a try, boy!
Alex: Ha, kill Guido? I’ll help you, boy!

Mark: Bye xxxxxxx
Guido: xoxo
Alex: 8==D


Search:
Ads
© Copyright 2010-2019 Dose of Metal. All rights reserved. | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use