29
May

Weak Recap: No more room in hell

When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. Indeed, they do walk the earth, as proven by the recent activities of Alice Cooper and Ozzy Osbourne.

And you just know that the apocalypse is about to come when someone calls Lady Gaga metal.

But one thing at a time, let’s keep this for the infamous “after the jump,” when I’m taking my turn to rape interview Mark about last week’s happenings in the world of metal. Here it comes: Make the jump.

Osama said "Hi!", we said "Bye bye!"

Guido: Hi there! How’s it going?
Mark: Who the fuck are you? Just kidding man, I’m good thanks. You?

G: Are you as excited as I am for this week’s Weak Recap?
M: Yeah, I am indeed. It’ll make a change having some fresh meat. I’m used to taking turns doing Simo and then him doing me, it’s nice to be done by you instead. I just hope you wear protection for your sake though.

G: We started off the week with a new song by Sepultura, and I actually liked it — which hasn’t happened in at least 5 years — What’s your take on the new song, ‘Kairos’?
M: I also liked it, but I was actually quite into the Dante album when that came out, and A-Lex was pretty good too. Kairos is sounding even better than the material on those two albums though, so I’m going to have to watch out for the new one.

G: Right after that, Marilyn Manson gave us a sign that he’s still alive. Is that a good or a bad thing?
M: Most definitely a bad thing. In his defence, I actually quite liked his first few albums, but The High End of Low was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen and heard; and I’ve been with a fat girl before.

G: Devin Townsend told us (and by “us,” I mean everyone on Facebook) that he’s already working on a new album. Isn’t that the best news in forever?
M: It is? I’m too busy listening to Lady Gaga’s new album.

G: Now, we’ve had questions about a band, that should have split-up years ago, a musician, who should have never even started playing music, and an artist, who has the same haircut as I do. I know who I am leaning towards to but who do you dislike the least of the mentioned musicians (and I use the word “musician” very loosely when talking about Marilyn Manson)?
M: Haha well that’s just an easy one, isn’t it? I’ll give you a clue, I woke up this morning by blasting Strapping Young Lad, so take a guess.

G: That was a pretty long question. Do you think people are still reading this (I know, I wouldn’t)?
M: Well, after much scientific research, I’ve found that I can only remain on the internet for a maximum of 5 minutes before I feel the need to click ‘start private browsing’ and Google “Japanese Siamese twins midget porn”. I can only assume that everyone else is the same, and that since I’m still here, we must be safe for at least another couple of minutes.

G: I probably should stop using brackets so often (and I will after this one), what do you think?
M: Nah brackets are good man (as is Japanese Siamese twins midget porn…. brb).

G: Jamey Jasta (with Zakk Wylde [sorry for the brackets]) and BlackGates released new songs. Which one was better?
M: Haha, tough choice Guido! Jasta‘s new track is undeniably catchy and pretty rocking, but I did prefer the first song he streamed. Loving Blackgates’ new song, too. If I have to choose though, I go for… Japanese Siamese twins midget porn. Hehe, just kidding, I go for Jasta, but I do have to emphasize how awesome both tracks are.

G: Zakk Wylde also isn’t so wild anymore. What’s your opinion on the whole “let’s-pull-a-Metallica” thing?
M: Pretty gay. No, seriously I actually agree with you. I’m a big fan of orchestral backing, in fact I love Metal mixed with Piano, Strings and even Keyboards etc too. As long as it’s done right, it can kick ass.

G: Did you have the nerve to watch the uncensored video of Shining’s new song? If so, tell us what you thought of it.
M: Erm hello, you’re talking to someone that watches Japanese Siamese twins midget porn. Of course I watched it. I thought it was pretty good, but the song itself is awesome. The video seemed to concentrate on people snorting crack and cutting their arms, but it wasn’t really too ‘shocking,’ in my opinion, since I live in the UK.

G: Lady Gaga is not metal, to kill off the rumor I started in the intro, but she seems to like some… metal. Does that give metal a bad name?
M: I don’t think anything, or anyone, can give Metal a bad name. Metal is so abstract, and means different things to different people. Hey, I actually think she’s right about Metal being one of the most diverse, progressive and inclusive genres. Or am I thinking of someone else who said that?

G: So now it’s time to shine the spotlight on our original content. I interviewed Die’s vocalist Søren Christensen. Did you give the band a listen?
M: Yeah the interview was great, so I checked them out on Facebook. ‘Execution Room’ is an absolute beast of a song.

G: Simo told us a bit about Terror Metal. Do you think it would be a good idea to torture the guy to death while playing his own music to him?
M: That sounds like an ideal thing to do. Whilst we’re on the subject by the way, I actually found this week’s Tuesday Trivia to be one of the most interesting ones recently. I really enjoyed reading it.

G: You’ve reviewed Revoker, a band I’ve never heard of, and gave them a not so favorable rating. Do they really suck that much? And should I avoid them at all costs?
M: If you search for reviews of their album on Google, the only negative review you will find is ours (presuming we’ve made it to Google yet). So either I’m wrong and everyone else is right, or I’m right and everyone else is wrong. I’m going with the latter.

If you don’t believe me though, here’s an excerpt:

Douchebagcore - Not big and not clever

G: AC/DC deserve their own Top 10. Agree?
M: No. They deserve a Top 20 😛

G: Alright, that’s it. Anything else you want to tell our readers?
M: Any female readers out there – call me.

G: Anything else?
M: I have a massive schlong.

G: Anything else?
M: Dose of Metal rocks! And so does my cock.

G: Is that it?
M: Nope, I also would like to thank you Guido for a brilliant interview.

G: Do you think people are mad that I didn’t say anything about Alice Cooper or Ozzy Osbourne yet, even though I advertised it in the intro?
M: Nah I doubt anyone will have noticed it until now. Now you’ve mentioned it, though, Simo’s probably going to cry with disappointment.

G: So that’s finally it. Bye bye!
M: Au revoir.


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