22
May

Weak recap: Holy rapture, Batman!

Thanks for saving our asses, Mr. Savage!

Can you believe it, we’re not dead?! Well, of course you can believe it, because if you are reading this, you’re clearly alive, and as any awesome Dose of Metal reader, you should know better than believing every stupid thing some crazy asshole tells you.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, and I finished watching the home sex video I taped last night with three hot lesbians, we can move to the more important things, like metal, and our favorite thing to do on a Sunday (except taking beer shits), and it’s doing the recap of the previous week in form of interviews. I got to interview Alex this week, so what are you waiting for, read on!

Bad Jesus, bad!

Bad Jesus, bad!

Simo: Hi Alex! How was your week? Any hot lesbians in your life?
Alex: My week was amazing and if you’re asking if I’ve turned women to lesbianism before, then yes, plenty of times. :(

Simo: Are lesbians still technically lesbians if they do it with a guy? I never quite got that, just like many other things about sex… What the fuck is a clitoris?
Alex: Well, I guess it depends if they like it or not. I never understood all this confusion about sexuality. Do you get turned on by people of the same sex? If so, congrats, you’re gay. There is no easier test, really. No idea what a clitoreess is, are you making words up?

Simo: Okay, thanks for the info, now to go over the past week’s headlines. August Burns Red filmed a new video. No one gives a shit, but their name sounds like an STD if you replace August with something else, right? Ever got one?
Alex: Yeah, my dick’s burned red a couple of times. Am I being too subtle?

Simo: I once again strayed off topic. This is proper metal, though. Guido was arguing that Blabbermouth sometimes uses sensationalist headlines (unlike some other websites *cough*), like in the case of Atheist vs Death pseudo drama they tried to create. Nothing new there, but what did you think of the whole thing?
Alex: Umm, one could argue that we do the same thing but our main goal is to be funny… Blabbermouth is serious, so if they’re exaggerating headlines to get more views, then that’s wrong. But what do I know? I can barely string a sentence together, let alone run a site. It’s like asking Charlie Sheen about sobriety.

Simo: How many ghost writers you think helped compile the book for Brian Johnson? And what would the best use for a 224 page book be?
Alex: 224 days of not needing toilet paper? Well, I eat a lot, so that would be like 112 days. As for that ghost writer thing, I’ve never seen that movie… I hate Nicholas Cage.

Simo: It’s been a year since Dio died. I don’t know what’s more depressing, his death or the years passing by so quickly. Tell me a joke or something, I’m starting to feel really down.
Alex: A hot chick, a hotter chick and Megan Fox walk into a bar. The bartender asks… You’re here for Alex, aren’t you? Then my mom wakes me up and tells me I have to go to school. I sheepishly walk like Michael Jackson trying to hide the morning wood, I get dressed and I get bullied in school for wearing thick glasses and having written a book of poetry. But it’s more of a ‘you had to be there’ type of joke so you probably won’t laugh.

Simo: What if Linkin Park were actually metal?
Alex: I’m sure they’ll try that genre too someday, they’ve tried everything else in this fucking universe. They’re probably waiting for the right Pro Tools plug-in.

Somewhere out there, in a reverse universe, someone is asking the question: What if Cannibal Corpse were pop?

 

Simo: Machine Head are teasing us with clips about them making their new album. Are you hyped already?
Alex: Yeah, not hyped at all. Unless they do nu-metal again… That would be a goldmine for this site.

Simo: You like anaal? It’s for free!
Alex: Depends on which end I’m at. But if it’s free, I guess it doesn’t matter.

Simo: Scott Weiland came out and talked about his time in Velvet Revolver. You already stated your opinion in the article you actually wrote, so you don’t have to talk about that anymore. Write anything you want.
Alex: You’re kinda putting me on the spot here… I like beer?

Simo: Mark talked about songs which are considered overrated, but he considers over-criticized. What did you make of his list?
Alex: I thoroughly agree with that article as I love those three songs. They are pretty much universally appreciated and once something gets so big, it’s bound to get a lot of bullshit ‘criticism’ from people trying hard to be naysayers. The exact same thing happened to my dick.

Simo: Once again, I missed my Tuesday Trivia, so Guido took over this week, and covered some bands which played break up. What did you think of the article? When was the last time you played break up?
Alex: I played break up with my imaginary girlfriend once. It got awkward as shit, especially when my parents found the video.

Simo: Iwrestledabearonce easily take the second spot this week when it comes to obvious bullshit and people falling for it. I found it hilarious how the guy over at GSA pretty much needs a vacuum cleaner to suck out all the sand from his vagina. A band called Iwrestledabearonce is clearly a joke, no?
Alex: Yeah the first time I saw that name, I thought it was a prank. It has to be the worst name ever… But if there’s something worse than their name, it’s our awful Imakeajokeaboutthename type of puns.

Simo:David Coverdale buys a lot of stuff from Amazon, and Mark deducted what he probably spent most of his money on there. Any thoughts?
Alex: You just know he bought at least a few hundred copies. Although what would be the point of that? It’s like masturbating to your own picture.

Simo:Roy Mayorga had a stroke and his nose pierced. He also took a photo of himself, in the hospital. Did you find it weird, or was it just me?
Alex: Different strokes for different folks. Get it? Haha

Simo: You did a Top 10 this week. Let our readers in on some of the stuff that’s going to go down on the site’s birthday.
Alex: We’re gonna go Oprah on our audience and hand out cars just eat a lot.

Simo: That’s it! Another week behind us, we’re a little older, and a little less wiser. And our livers are a little more damaged. Do you have any final message for our fans?
Alex: Yeah… Remember, drugs are only bad if you don’t share them with your buddies. Stay safe, yo.


  • GrownUpGirl

    I guess since we’re alive n all that means we’re saved!

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